Goodbye, 2010.

Dear 2010,

Your year was so unbelievably torturous and emotionally draining that I don't think I even have the energy to try and express the extreme anguish, sadness, disbelief, sadness and plethora of other emotions I experienced during my time with you.

I just wanted to let you know that, while we had some good times, I'm so incredibly happy to see you go.

I look forward to 2011 with great expectations as the happiest year of my life (so don't let me down, 2011).

Love

Nikki

Fast and Testimony

PERFORMED BY ROBERT LUND

Brother Johansen says God fixed his prostate
Sister Hill wails that her son's gone apostate
Missy Brown details her trip to Belize
These are a few of the testimonies

Brother Stone calls his ex-wife to repentance
Sister Dean can't form a blubber-free sentence
Ammon Smith's grateful the Jazz beat the Kings
These are a few of the Fast Meeting things

There's unchaste movies at Wal-Mart in Layton
Hillary Clinton's a minion of Satan
God loves you just a bit less if you're gay
These are some nuggets I've picked up today

When this low-key
Karaoke
Shows how odd we are
I simply remember I'm not Warren Jeffs
And then I don't feel bizarre

Madison cries that her mom flushed her turtle
Then she announces her daddy's infertile
Tyler loves Jesus and recess and peas
These are a few of the testimonies

Elder Jones gripes that less-actives frustrate him
Nine CTR's thank the same things verbatim
Brother McPhie knows Rush Limbaugh is true
And The Da Vinci Code may well be too

Sister Cabell says the United Nations
Must be the beast from the book Revelations
Folks squirm through dubious doctrine and then
Everyone drowsily mumbles "Amen"

When euphor-ya
Starts to bore ya
Here's the thing that's sweet:
Each talk brings us nearer Hymn 152
And then we go home to eat!

I'll Take Calligraphy and Then I'll Make a Fake Degree

Dear Senior Paper,

I want to go to the store and gym so I can be skinny and healthy, but alas -
You keep me here, in PJ's, with a jug of orange juice and a bottle of advil - making me fat, tired, and annoyed.
Please write yourself,

Nikki

Who needs school when you can have welfare?

What. The. Hell.

I have been spending hours looking for scholarships that I can apply for so that I can help pay for my masters degree.
So far, you're only qualified for financial aid if you are:

1.) an orphan
2.) left handed
3.) a minority
4.) an abuse victim
5.) a drug addict in recovery
6.) an athlete
7.) a convicted felon
8.) a minority woman

Forget the fact that there are white, right handed men and women who want to go to school and contribute to the world without falling into serious debt or anchoring their families down with bills and then proceeding to feel guilty for the rest of their lives!

No, no sir. It doesn't seem to matter. White people going for their masters degrees get to pay for it out of pocket, or get a loan! No one wants to give any more privilege than is necessary to the white person. Heaven forbid a white person with good grades with a mediocre life get some financial assistance for academic achievement!

And - guess what - you can't make me feel bad for this. White people contribute to diversity, too. Look at the Italian, Polish, German, Irish, Scottish, Danish, Russian, Finnish, French, Australian/Kiwi, English Americans in this country! Does that not SCREAM diversity? What about the diverse backgrounds we come from? Don't those count for anything?

Apparently not. White people are not allowed to ask for anything. Ever.
We're suppose to go into debt, get jobs, and try to pay off our debt while the government continues to rob us blind.

And don't forget to smile, if you complain - you're a racist.

I needed a laugh!

Click on the photo to make it bigger, it's pretty funny stuff.




No offense, guys.

You Haven't Lived If You Haven't Tried These!

I've done it, yes, I've done it!
Today, I embarked on a mission to create the best and perfect Gluten Free brownie recipe ever in existence- and I have done it!
The best part is, I did it on my very first try!! (And guess what Lex - They're free of soy, wheat, corn AND peanuts too).

Sure, I purchased a $15 bag of Almond Meal/Flour - I figure the more you spend, the better it will taste right?... and I spent $8 on Ghirardelli Chocolate... but when you taste these brownies, it's like none of that even matters.

I'm not kidding you. I licked the spoon and the beaters - I had to restrain myself from licking the bowl.
I can't take ALL the credit though. I did base my recipe off of a standard "with gluten" recipe that used 3/4 C of flour. I just substituted that with something more interesting. And the melted chocolate was my idea, too.

That being said, you haven't lived until you've eaten one of these. I promise. All you gluten-eaters out there will start questioning your loyalty to wheat after this....

Here's what you'll need:
1/2 C Almond Meal/Flour (Bob's Red Mill has it)
1/4 C Brown Rice Flour
2 eggs
1 stick of butter
5 oz of chocolate (I used 100% cacao, so mine turned out like a super awesome dark chocolate brownie)
1 C brown (or white) sugar
1 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp of baking soda

I also added chocolate chips to the top. =)

Here's what to do:
Preheat the oven to 350.
Line an 8x8 brownie pan with foil, and lightly oil the foil.

In a double boiler, melt the butter and chocolate together and set aside.
In another bowl, beat the eggs until they get kind of foamy. Add the brown sugar and mix well (no one likes brown sugar lumps).
Slowly add the butter/chocolate mixture into the egg/sugar mix and blend well.

In a separate bowl, combine the flour(s), salt and baking soda (or baking powder if you prefer it). Mix well.
Add the flour to the chocolatey goodness and blend until smooth.

Lick the spoon. Gasp. Rejoice.

Pour brownie mixture into the pan. Add Chocolate Chips on top and throw in the oven for ~35 minutes.

Let the pan cool before you lift the foil out. Cut and serve - but not too early or they'll fall apart!

I'm not sure how to adjust it for altitude... so you're on your own for that one :) just watch carefully I guess?

And here is the nutrition info (if you use the ghirardelli stuff, anyway):

9 Servings
Amount Per Serving

Calories 327.4
Total Fat 23.9 g

Saturated Fat 12.9 g
Polyunsaturated Fat 0.6 g
Monounsaturated Fat 3.1 g

Cholesterol 68.7 mg
Sodium 424.0 mg
Potassium 84.8 mg
Total Carbohydrate 35.9 g

Dietary Fiber 3.4 g
Sugars 26.3 g

Protein 4.6 g

The Secret Life of a Celiac

I've deleted my "Secret Life of a Celiac" blog and will, instead, be posting my gluten-free cooking adventures here.

I was at the grocery store yesterday looking at all the gluten free flours.

Buckwheat.
Sorghum.
Potato.
Coconut.
Brown Rice.
White Rice.
Oat.
Corn.
Bean, and more...

As I stared at these flours I felt an overwhelming desire to purchase them all, and start going to town on brownie, cookie, cake and pie crust recipes.

I resisted that urge, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to hold out. I want to find the perfect gluten free recipes for the following:
brownies
pie crust
canales
cupcakes
pastry dough

If that means I have to make a tray of brownies every day for a month, then I guess that is what I'll have to do!! It's a shame you all don't live closer so I could test these products on you :)

We All Know Someone.

Dear Uncle

Sleep Walker
Walking over hollow egg shells
containing the air you use to breathe.
Sleep Walker
Walking over broken glass, cutting feet
deliberately, is it deliberately?
Sleep Walker
Stepping on your children’s lives
and throwing away all your talent
--- and all your influence.

Oh Sleep Walker,
Walking off the edge into the ocean,
when you drown, you hope you really drown.
And, Sleep Walker -
If you don’t...I hope they find you
I hope they bind and hide you in the room with the white and padded walls.
After walking into so many walls
You’re bound to wake up

Photo Blog

Oh, it is love - from the first time I set my eyes upon yours!

Sometimes, you just need to talk about it.

Life is full of various traumatic events.

Being potty trained.
Learning to walk.
Falling off a bike.
Being bitten by a dog.
Getting stung by a bee.
Getting hit by a car.
Losing a friend.
Losing a best friend.
Losing a family member.
Being robbed.
Being assaulted.
Paying taxes...

etc...

The list is infinite. There are strange, weird, unexpected things that happen to us all the time that traumatize us on one level or another.

I need to talk about one. I've been in denial or shock or something for about a month now - and it needs to come out. I decided this last night, when I realized it was the 6th or 7th time I'd bawled myself to sleep over this event. I'm in need of a comfort of sorts, a hug, a "I'm so sorry you went through this" or a "is there anything you need?"

I suppose it's too late for those kinds of things. I'll just tell you what happened.

I drove from MN to UT on July 18th so that I could get home in time for my parents and brother to go on a trip. I was going to watch the kids and hang out with one of my best friends. I was on a freeway leaving Nebraska/just entering Wyoming. It was dark because it was night... it was really late, but I don't remember the exact time. There hadn't been anyone on the road for miles and miles and it didn't look like anyone was going to be joining me on my late-night expedition through the midwest. No one, save the fireflies. It was my first time ever seeing them with my own eyes, and I was definitely in awe.

I was driving fairly fast... 75 or so, when I saw a large semi up ahead. Because I am deathly afraid of semi trucks, I instantly slowed down. I looked down to change the radio, and when I looked up again the semi had managed to do some sort of acrobatic move and was now colliding with an RV that had been driving in the same lane.

Both went spinning uncontrollably, and then both tumbled off the road. The semi was swallowed by the darkness and the RV rolled and rolled... but not before launching the driver (or maybe the front seat passenger) out of the windshield. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. The RV joined the semi in the abyss of what I can only assume were vast corn fields. The man, launched through the windshield, was now face-grinding the pavement. Meanwhile, I was pulling over as quickly as possible. I threw my car into park and ran full speed toward this now motionless entity laying on the pavement. I stood there, looking down at him, hoping he'd move. I looked around for others - no one. No other drivers. No other passengers. I called the police... although I think one of the vehicles had a first response system because they told me police were already on the way.

I knelt down toward the man, and gave him a shove so that I could see his face. I don't lie when I say there wasn't much left of a face at all, just a bloody mess and lots of crud. I couldn't tell if he was dead or alive, but either way I couldn't leave him. If he was alive, I couldn't let him suffer alone. If he was dying, or dead, I couldn't let him die alone - a bleeding mess on a freeway.

I sat/squatted down on the road next to him, rubbing his arm almost as if to comfort myself more than anything. I held him as best I could (he was heavy, so I mostly just cradled his arm) and waited until finally an officer arrived. He asked me what I knew (for contact info and the likes), and I told him everything I saw. He evaluated the man and looked at me with a very sad face. He told me to get in my car and go, that more help was close behind, that I didn't have to stay there any longer unless I wanted to. I feel like I looked at him for a very long time, although it was probably only a few seconds, and walked over to my car. I sat. I cried. I drove and cried.

---

Sometimes I feel like the world asks you to keep these things kept inside. "Don't burden others with your grief."

Sometimes, you can't grieve unless someone else helps ease the weight of the pain.

Sometimes, you just need to talk about it.

This is really important stuff.

Hello to my 3 readers, and hopefully anyone else who catches wind of this little blog of mine.

I've had something on my mind for a while now... and I would only be doing you harm not to share it. Please be open minded as your read this blog entry as this is something that affects you as well as me.

First and foremost, people often go around mumbling excuses on why they can't bring themselves to purchase organic foods. "It's too expensive" or "It's a hoax" or "There isn't an organic food store close enough to my house to entice me."

I understand that the daily grind can make purchasing the more expensive, further away produce seem like a daunting task...but what the conventional foods/produce are doing to your/our bodies is even more daunting. Even more than that, though, is what these conventional farms are doing to our economy.

GMO's - genetically modified organisms - are in 100% of commercially grown produce and 100% of commercial product (i.e. doritos, edamame, twix, coke, twinkies, lasagna noodles, pasta sauce, etc...). GMO's are injected into produce (two of the most popular victims being corn and soy) to make them resistant to pesticides (which attack the central nervous system) and to make them grow bigger.

That sounds alright... right? Wrong. To make produce (like corn which is used in 75% of commercial product) resistant to those types of things, they inject it with E-coli, antibiotics and other viruses. In turn, you ingest not only the pesticide sprayed on the food (you can't wash off what's been soaked in) but the E-coli (ever wonder how it ends up on spinach?), antibiotics and viruses made to make these things resistant to pesticides.

I happen to find that horrific, disgusting and mind boggling. Why would the government allow such a thing? Why would the FDA ever approve such a thing? How can we consciously feed this to our children? Well, the government is in on it. Clarence Thomas and other congressmen/seats in the White House have worked with corporations like Monsanto which pump these GMO's into all our food.

It gets worse, though. Aside from the THOUSANDS of negative health effects GMO's and pesticides and BPA and High Fructose Corn Syrup (the list goes on and on) have on us - corporations like Monsanto are suing small family farms whose crops get cross-pollinated with their PATENTED GENE for stealing/infringement. And guess what - these corporations are WINNING. They are wiping out the family farm (our only hope at not ingesting GMOs) and doing a disservice to the economy.

---

Anyway, Celiac is something I've struggled with now for quite some time. The other day I was thinking about it and it hit me like a rock..... could GMO's be the source of the upward trend in Celiac diagnosis (and other digestive/bowel diseases and disorders)? Turns out I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Scientists/nutritionists have been studying the effects of GMO's and they have found a correlation.

So... we are all allergic to GMO's in a sense. Could I eat gluten if my body hadn't been turned off to it because of the GMO's in the wheat?

I have so much to say and I can't even get it all out. It's so frustrating.

I guess my plea would be PLEASE buy organic for your health and safety. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's organic and everything to do with the fact that it's not modified. Maybe even just take a challenge. Eat for a month 100% organically and see what it does for you. There are SO many terrible things that can happen to your body/health because of GMO's. Please, watch the Future of Food and/or Food Inc. - or read a book about it. Find a way to educate yourselves on these things because they are SOOO bad for us.

I don't even care if I sound crazy or like I'm on a rant. The fact of the matter is that if we really love ourselves and our neighbors as ourselves, we will do whatever it takes to ensure their health and safety, the health and safety of their children, etc etc.

Planet Hansen?

0_0

If you ever walk into the Ron Hansen household, you may feel like you've left Earth and landed on some extra-terrestrial abnormality that just so happened to be in the shape of a house.

That sounds fun, right? =)

Well, maybe it is. Sometimes. But sometimes... not so much. For instance, the other day Precious was up really late. She kept asking me "Am I pregnant? My stomach hurts all the time, am I pregnant? Am I going to die tonight?" -- .uhg.

So I said, "No, Precious. You aren't pregnant. You can't be pregnant."
Her reply: (crying) "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant. My stomach hurts so I'm pregnant."
Me: (finally losing it) "Precious, you have to have SEX to be pregnant. Are you having SEX, Precious?"
Her: "with boys?"

... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Other fun things have occurred at the house over the last few days as well.

Shannan came yelling into the house, plopped down on a chair and exclaimed to us all, "Ali's babysitter is a schmuck!"
Hilarious! She is only 8.

Other fun occurrences that have... well... occurred including Precious pouring milk on the top level on the fridge and trying to blame it on someone else (who is invisible, I might add), Precious making egg and tuna stew and Precious shouting at the top of her lungs while we all try to do yoga.

Oh yeah, let's not forget about Popsicle, the fish. Precious hasn't fed him in a few days, and she kept saying she had. Turns out, she just poured a lot of food at the top. When I explained to her that fish aren't like dogs - you have to feed them on a schedule, a tiny amount, once a day - she just shrugged and said, "Jennifer said if it died it's ok anyway so I don't care." 0_o

Also, the air conditioner broke and it was 94 degrees in the house. Oh yeah - and there was a power outage! 0_0

This is a crazy place.
----

Try, try again.

Recently, I've been trying much harder to be what I think an adult should be.
Rational.
Calm.
Educated.
Interesting.
Well Informed.
Cultured.
Collected.
Doesn't hold a grudge.
Organized.
As easy as it sounds to just "be" adult... it's not. I find that I have thin skin. Too thin to handle being a real adult. I feel (because I am) easily offended. I hold a mean grudge when I do hold a grudge (which isn't very often, but I do have one or two). I can be biting, mouthy, stubborn. None of these are adult qualities.

I feel hyper-emotional. Adults can't be hyper emotional. That's only for teenage girls.

I guess one thing I am is honest. I am here, after all, airing my flaws on the inter-web.

So what do I do about it? I almost feel like my ideal self would be un-moved. Have something mean to say? Doesn't matter, I can't feel. Going to do something you know is going to hurt my feelings? Whatever. See if I care.

Unfortunately - that's not me. I over analyze. I cry. I demand things. I even sometimes want to have control over a situation (also, not so often). I'm picky. I have a lot of questions. I'm not very patient. I hate being ignored. I sometimes even set myself up to be let down!

Doesn't sound like an adult, does it?
All I am is a mess! A young mess.

A road trip to remember!

So, because I've been having cardiac and internal organ issues, my doctor(s) have asked me not to fly for the time being.
In order to get here, to Utah, to see my family, I had to drive!

At approximately two AM yesterday morning, I got in my car (in Minneapolis). Google Maps had estimated a trip time of 21 hours. I scoffed at the idea. How could it possibly take that long when I planned to drive 10 mph over the entire time?

And so my journey began.

I popped in the 1st disc to "The Magician's Nephew" (Chronicles of Narnia) and made way for Des Moines, Iowa. The drive was dark, and relatively boring... so having C.S. Lewis read to me was quite nice. By the time I got to Des Moines, I was ready to put in "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." I also desperately needed gas.

So I stopped. I stopped at a place called "Kum&Go." Way to be, Midwest! I thought, hey, maybe I'll use the bathroom while I'm here. Of course, the only woman in the bathroom didn't close her stall door (she was quite large) - siiiiick.

I left Des Moines, with higher hopes for Nebraska. I hate Nebraska. For about 400 miles of my trip, I was stuck in one lane traffic behind semi's going 45. There went alllll my hopes for being early and cutting my drive! I stopped in Omaha, and then made way for North Platte (the creepiest town there ever was). I listened to The Chronicles of Narnia, occasionally turning it off to scream, talk to myself or pretend I was on the Battle Star Galactica as Kara Thrace. I also drove right into one of the biggest, freakiest storms I've ever seen.

Finally - Wyoming! Hoorah! I was elated to be in a decent state! I got some gas in a very small town called Kearney (I think that's in Wyoming) and made way for Laramie. At this point, one of my food containers that happened to be containing some amount of oil (because it was mixed with my black bean salad) decided to burst all over me and my food container, ruining my shirt. I was already loony as I had been in the car for 12 hours... so I laughed and then I screamed.

I thought, this can't possibly get worse. Then I got to Laramie for gas where I noticed a hissing sound from one of my tires. My tire was going flat! I tried 3 different car shops, the first one had a box of live crickets next to the consessions so I left... the second one wasn't interested in my car, and the third one was kind shabby, with a dog in it... but they fixed it. I ended up running into someone from Yokosuka there! (It's a smaaaaall world). That put me back about an hour =( but it got fixed and I was on my way once more.

At my final stop before making way through to the UT border, an energy drink in my cooler (also) exploded.... causing the top of the cooler to open slightly, spraying all natural steaze energy all over my phone, dashboard...face, arm, hand and cooler. Then my mom texted me and asked where I was. I wanted to cry and say I wasn't coming home, I couldn't drive anymore...

But I just ate my OTHER bean salad and got on to UT.

The last bit wasn't too bad, 'cept for the sun beating in and the smell of energy drink wafting through the car... maybe it helped keep me awake?

Finally, I got home at 10:00 pm. What a terrible and long day! Can't wait to do it again on July 1. :)

ps: I took some pictures of a few of these events. I will post them eventually

Letters

Nights are not good for me. It's dark, I'm alone. I was trying to find a disc to reformat my computer when I came across some letters.

Letters from Jamie while he was on his mission. I didn't find all of them - but I found a few, and that is better than anything.

So I opened them, read them and now I'm going to post them here. In chronological order :)

If you haven't figured out Jamie's personality yet ---- you will!

Letter #1: Written on 11.9.2006 but sent on 2.12.07 =)

Dear Nikki,

I am so sorry it's taken me so stinkin' long to write you a letter. I don't even know where to begin. How's college? Do you live at the dorms or at home? Roommates? How's life? Are you still going thru Japan withdrawal?
Mission is great. Of course, I'm way busy, that goes without saying. Something way cool happened this week. Well, first of all, I'm in Seoul right now. My last area was Incheon. So in my last area, my companion and I taught this lady named EE Jung Min. She's getting baptized this Sat. I haven't seen her in over 7 weeks, but she asked me to baptize her. I'm so excited for her, she's gonne be such a great member!! Hey, that remind me of [name removed for privacy reasons]! You remember her? How's she doing? Is she in Kansa? What about Shirley Gray? Have you heard from her? I wish I could stay in touch wih everyone, but it's so hard with no time and via snail mail. Not much longer now. Single digit months now. Crazy how fast it's gone. Speaking of which... I'm running out of time as usual.
Well Nikki, I hope you're doing great. Tell your family I said Hey.

Jamie

PS: Your song is still the best gift I've ever gotten. You rock!
(written on the back: Sorry It's way late. I was cleaning my desk this A.M. and I found it! Remember who you are!!!

-------

Written 12-28-2006

Dear Nikki,

AAAAAHHHH it's been soooo loooong! Thank you for staying in touch, even when I didn't. I hope you had a merry christmas. Wow, so one semester down, congratulations. Where ya workin'? I still can't believe you're in college. How's your family doing? Tell your folks I said hi. Kam and Shannan too. If you're looking at a mission as an escape from school stress, I wouldn't consider it. Missions are way fun and awesome, but I've never felt more stressed. Korea is okay. Don't even try to tell me Americans are crazy drivers!
Today is the first cold day of the winter....buuuurrrr....Christmas was way cool and way different. Well sorry this is short and kinda lame (you know I can't help that :p) but I'm swamped.
Hope you have a very happy new year.

Jamie

---------

1.18.2007

Dear Nikki,

What up?! Are you for serious?! Is Charlie really already home?! Man, it's so strange to me that everyone has gotten so old! So do you talk to K**** a bunch? If ya do, tell her I said, "Get outta my car!!!" Thx :) Were K**** and Charlie dating? Is he in UT or Japan? As for me, I'll be done in August, but I think my parents are going to visit and I want to stop in Japan on the way home and say, "hi" to some old friends. We had such a sweet branch!
Tell your parents I said hello. You can even say so to Kameron. Is he a senior?? So, have you readjusted to America yet? Do you still play guitar? You gave me such a sweet gift, it's still my favorite by far. Do you know anything about Chewy or David?
Well, if I were you, I'd be seriously considering a mission because they are so stinkin' awesome. Fo sho, I'm having a blast, learning/growing a ton, and helping folks. Hope you are doing well and getting the most out of life... cuz there's a lot!
Peace!

Jamie
-----------
6 - 7 - 07

Dear Sister Hansen,
Hello!
It's been a while.
Thanks for your email last week. It's so strange that you know Israelson. He was my mission brother. He used to be my zone leader too. I trust none of the pictures I happened to be in were inappropriate :)
Wow! Your first year of college, done! Congratulations! What are your plans for the summer? Why has your dad been so busy? Did you pass along my regards? You know, I was just talking to my companion the other day about you. We were talking about good gifts and I told him about the best present I had ever received. The song you wrote for me. He made fun of me, but I still think that was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you! I'm sure you can relate; it was really hard for me to leave Japan. Sometime I wish, after my mission, I would go home to our old branch and everyone would still be there.

Oh well. I guess that's what the celestial kingdom is for.

I was greatly saddened by your report of ******. Do you stay in touch with her pretty well?

Nikki, the fact that you not only have ducks, but that their names are Ella and Peking is very much a reflection of you. I read that and thought it was hilarious. Where do you keep'em? Do you have roommates? Do your potentially existing roommates want to eat your ducks? I can't believe Kameron is a senior! Tell him I said hi. Have a great day,

Love
Jamie

ps: if you're wondering, I'll be home in Sept. Laters!
-----------

7.5.2007

Dear Nikki,

Thank you for your emails. I don't know where you get off thinking I hate them! You should know I don't mind randomness. Thank you for your poem. I liked it very much. It's a good thing you're going to be an English teacher because you've definitely got some skills with literature. My former best friend is an English teacher, too. She works with 8th graders, I think. I say "former" because she got married, so we can't be "Best" friends anymore. That would just be awkward. This is - was - her first year teaching and she loved it. I imagine you'll be quite successful as well.

A new sister, huh? That's...interesting. I've got an interesting perspective on this situation. Anyway, before I go on you need to know something I do. Your parents love each other, and they love you. You can never be replaced. Never. I know this because I had an interesting <-- I need a thesaurus! This is what happens on missions, you lose your once sweet writing skills. Anyway, I had an AMAZING experience with your parents when we went to the temple one time. We were in the sealing room doing proxy sealings. Your mom was proxy mom, and likewise, your dad was the proxy dad. I was acting as a proxy son. I don't recall much other than that and the feelings I felt that night. The following fast sunday, all 3 of us got up during sacrament meeting and bore testimony about that experience and that feeling. To attempt to convey that feeling by words in ridiculous, but simply it clearly stated two truths to my heart: 1.) The family we were doing this for has accepted our work and 2.) brother and sister Hansen love each other and their family. To me there was no doubt, no second thoughts, no confusion. The spirit clearly bore witness of those 2 TRUTHS to my soul.

I didn't really know why then, but perhaps it was so I could testify of truth now, today. I will tell you the same thing I tell my investigators, do not believe my words. Go, ask for yourself if the words which I have spoken are not true. Because they are, I know the Lord will make it known unto thee.

Nikki, I pray this meeting with your sister turns out to be a wonderful blessing to you.

I will be home on 8/30. Your family and you are of course welcome to my homecoming :) I'll keep ya posted. Well, I hope you're happy. If not - here are some dumb pictures of me. Have a great day!

Love,

Jamie.

--------

Hello Again, Friend.

Dear Jamie,

I still miss you every day. It's finals week - at this point in time we usually text about how we aced something, failed something terribly or whatever. I had a spanish oral interview yesterday. I shook in fear the whole time. I got so scared I stopped talking. I was almost crying. It was so ridiculous - you would have laughed SO hard at me.

I was going through my iTunes just a bit ago. Your music-thumbprint is all over my playlist. Sometimes I play certain songs over and over again like maybe they'll bring you back or something. Sometimes I find myself rummaging through the memorabilia I have from our funny times together. Pictures, letters, anything. I know that if I assemble these things together that it won't change anything, but I'm still not ready for you to be gone.

All of those problems I was having have mostly sorted themselves out. I like to think that maybe you're having fun up there, changing the outcomes of our lives with all of your new-found immense immortal power. Like maybe you chill up there with God and say things like "Hey, Nikki would do something really funny if you made this and this happen." Or like maybe you make song requests on the radio all the way from heaven :)

Mostly, powerranger patel, I'm not ready to face the fact that there are no more memories to be made. Not in this life. It's so hard. You have been the best friend and brother to me. YOU drove me to school, helped me with homework, had picture message text-offs with me... forced me to watch Seinfeld. I don't really even like Seinfeld but I watch it for you sometimes. :) But you already knew that. Remember when we watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? And we laughed so hard when the turtles were kept in a can?

I get sad when I know you won't be at my wedding, you won't make fun of my potentially ugly babies, you won't play anymore conference bingo with my family...you missed seeing Kam as a big bad missionary. Thank you for your words to him, by the way. He misses you too.

Anyway... I could write for ages but I think I'm making everyone sad and I know that you don't like it when people get sad.

Love,

Nikki

She found herself in wonderland.

a gray cloud moves across a blue sky
a single shadow casted as it drifts by

not even the sun can penetrate this blockade
heat is gone, and colors start to fade.

a sun that sets and never rises
oh world of unhappy surprises...

give me rest.

You don't have to stop at 3, you can go to 10.

Sometimes, unexplainable and unavoidable things happen.

When these things happen - what do we do? Do we panic? Do we fill our hearts with hate and our thoughts with madness? At first, it seems like those are the only two emotions we could possibly ever feel in such a situation. But then, you take a step back. It's so much harder to be angry about things you cannot fix or explain. It's so much more work to continuously feel hurt, betrayed or whatever the feeling may be.

I will be the first to admit that I have a very hard time letting things go - but I'm coming to the realization that the things, situations and people that are out to hurt you and out to get you aren't even worth the time and effort it takes into being upset at them.

Today, I am thanking God for my blessings in all of their various forms. Today, I am going to look at the world through my spiritual eyes and not my worldly eyes. Today I understand that this life is temporary and a better life is waiting for me. I am going to try and rid myself of the feelings of contention- I am filling my heart and actions with good intentions. It's times like these where I am glad to have the compass of the gospel in my life. I cannot imagine how I would get myself through my most trying times without it.

Today I am thankful for the people who lift me up.
Today I am thankful to be blessed with "divine DNA" from our creator that allows me to act in a way pleasing to our father in heaven.

Today- I am trying to be like Jesus.
And if it turns out in the end that God is all I have, that's fine. God is all I need.

English Major on strike.

I think I should have stuck with dental school.
One more semester of science and math classes and I could apply.

I always loved the idea of being a dentist. I am good enough to be a dentist. I'm even smart enough.

Truth be told - I'm tired of defending my major.

Person: "What are you going to school for?"
Me: "English."
Person: "...Oh."
Me: "and secondary education."
Person: "You want to be a teacher!"
Me: "yes."
Person: "I have a friend like you. She's in Med School."

....

I feel like it's never good enough - the English major. The teaching plan. I'm tired of feeling ashamed and inadequate - like somehow being an English teacher is an unworthy cause.

Sometimes the convos go:
Person: "What's your major?"
Me: "English... and secondary ed."
Person: "You know, 3 out of every 5 teachers doesn't make it through the first 5 years. They quit or work outside the realm of education."

-----
What are you trying to say? That you think I'm one of them? That I'm not strong, smart, tall, bold or brave enough? What will make you happy, people?

Maybe I will just go to dental school... and when I do - you better hope you don't end up at my practice. I might just forget to inject your lips with lidocaine.

Rah!

Nothing is scarier than feeling like someone stole your diary.

Forget their words, Love
Everyone is lying through their teeth to you
Pick up the pieces of yourself
that you've left scattered on the floor
All of those empty promises and words
they'll come together to form a song that
you've been singing your whole life

We've all seen bad days
but somehow you've gotten more than most
There are days where the rain beats down
and you've been caught with no umbrella
but the sun always breaks through
when you smile.

Can I protect you? Somehow I don't think
anybody can - though we all want to.
Can I love you? Will you let me if you try?
or does this scare you? Is that the reason
why that fear is in your eyes?

Forget their looks, Love.
No matter what you do, they'll judge you anyway
Put that face on; the one you keep masked
behind the rest.
All of those angry stares and hollow eyes
they have no clue what you've seen
I bet they'd cry to be where you have been
Forget the looks, Love.

Can you feel the sunlight?
It's a sign that only good things are to come-
if you let them.
There's no more time to close the doors
no time to run, no one can hurt you.

Look at have you've grown
and who you've become
- and yet - in the end I still struggle to find
words for you, friend.

Just look ahead, love.
Just turn your head, love.
Don't look into their eyes or mind their open lies

Forget the world love
Forget
Forget, love.

Spanish Practice. Sorry!

Yo necesito hacer esto. Tengo un examen manana, y un otro examen en varias semanas... Se llama el "LPE" or the Language Proficiency Exam. Si yo no paso esto examen... entonces tengo tomar la clase "SPAN 1004" mientras tomando mi senior project y dos clases otras.

Tengo miedo, porque hoy yo no puedo estudiar! Mis pensamientos estan dispersos. Mi mente es en el futuro, en el verano..!

Esto va a ser trabajo duro. Explicare los verbos y la gramatica a tu en espanol.

Primero: El preterito. Usa el preterito explicar or describir algo que ocurrio una vez. Usa el preterito para definir un evento con un final definido. Por ejemplo: "Yo naci en 1988" o "mi hermano hablo con sus amigos para dos horas." The preterite is used to define something with a definite beginning and end. It happened, then it was over. Like birth. I was born - then it was done; "past actions that are seen as completed."

Segundo: El imperfecto. Usa el imperfecto describir un evento que repita. Por ejemplo: Comiamos ajuntos todos los dias. Tambien, usa el imperfecto cuando describiendo el tiempo/la hora y hablando sobre la edad de una persona.

Espero que yo sabo las palabras que yo necesito pasar el examen!

Una cosa que lucha con es el verbo "haber" - haber. Que es esto verbo haber?! En realidad la significa es "to have" pero no en el contexto como "tener."

Haber: he, has, ha, hemos, han.
"yo he comido." - i have eaten.

why!? why!!?

Voy a escribir sobre mi vida y uso como muchos verbos que puedo!

Hola. Me llamo Nikki y tengo 21 anos. Yo naci en Alemania en 1988. Tengo 3 hermanos y 4 hermanas. Tambien, tengo dos gatos! Mis padres se llaman Ron y Shelley. Mi padre estaba en las fuerzas amadas. Mi familia y yo viajabamos todo el mundo.

Me gusta escribir, hacer ejercicio y cocinar. Mi heroe es Chef Ramsay y yo quiero conocerlo. Me gusta animales, y vacaciones.

Si puedo tomar una vacacion a cualquier lugar viajaria a europa. En europa yo comeria comida bien.

I let the daisies die but I have yet to throw them out.

Words used to line up neatly
Forming simple prose and poetry
But my talent died - eluded me
I've lost all of my creativity

In a box of black and gloom
Word flowers aren't able to bloom
To feel means inevitable doom
My heart deserted and my mind an empty room

To say goodbye to a soul friend
To pretend the wound will mend.
When it comes to loss there is no end
when it comes to loss there is no end

Will I find comfort in these lyrics?

Jack Johnson and Matt Costa
Lullaby

When you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
And if you are waiting, waiting for me
Know I'll be home soon darling I guarantee
I'll be home Sunday just in one week
Dry up your tears if you start to weep
And sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Lullaby, I'm not nearby
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Don't you cry, no don't you cry
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Cause when I arrive dear it won't be that long
No it won't seem like anytime that I've been gone
It ain't the first time it won't be the last
Won't you remember these words to help the time pass?
So when you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby, sing this lullaby
Sing this lullaby to yourself

Anything you can do...

This Week I will:

1.) Do every dish in my sink. Sometimes I get lazy at the end at leave a few forks in there... not this time!
2.) Learn how to budget both time and money
3.) Pet a penguin in Chicago (no, seriously! I am! I will post a picture)
4.) Think about gluten free cinnamon rolls
5.) Enjoy the warm weather
6.) Pack a duffle bag with precision
7.) Say an extra prayer after my bedtime prayers
8.) Wear my hair up before I cut it off again
9.) Let my feelings lead the way - for better or worse.
10.) Talk to someone named Talmage
11.) Stalk a facebook page of someone I don't know
12.) Ghost hunt on the vacant 3rd floor of my 200 yr old apartment bldg.
13.) Think about Chef Ramsay because I love him.
14.) A homework assignment in Spanish about a game called Quadrille
15.) Learn how to pronounce Quadrille
16.) Use the magic eraser
17.) Buy a lint roller
18.) Eat tomato soup
19.) Talk to a group of kids in New Zealand via skype
20.) Visit a bank robbed by Jesse James

I Am

I Am

I am too many things
I wonder how to compartmentalize each emotion
I hear the shuffling of my thoughts
I see blank spaces waiting to be filled
I want to be far away from where I am.
I am too many things

I pretend that I have control
I feel happy and sad, sure and unsure all at once.
I touch keys. computer keys. piano keys. car keys.
I worry that I may unintentionally hurt people
I cry because I miss Jamie
I am too many things

I understand that God gives us the answers.
I say that it's okay to feel your feelings outloud
I dream about eating with world class chefs.
I try to remember who I am
I hope that you don't mind my very elementary "I Am" poem
I am too many things



-----------------------
The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days

The In-Between.

I've been in a strange place recently.... and I can't say I've been enjoying it.

I feel like the term "growing pains" has taken on a whole new meaning.

For the first time, primarily because of Jamie's passing, I've taken a step back and started seriously evaluating the things that I want for my life and for my future. To be honest, I hate doing things like this... and while it was going to have to happen sooner or later, I wish it had been later. Not only because of the circumstances that have caused me to re-evaluate myself and my decisions, but... I don't exactly feel like I'm ready for all the changes that are about to/ are occurring in my life.

A lot of what has been going on has caused me to micro analyze my interactions with other people. How does this make me feel? Why does it make me feel this way? Is this healthy: yes or no? What would I have done two months ago in this situation, and what am I going to to do now?

Believe it or not I spend a lot of my time mulling over how my words and actions will affect others and the way they feel. I want the people I care about to know that I care about them - and I always want to let them know. I never want to hurt them, I want them to know everything I'm doing - I want to tell them about my day to day events. I want to let them know what I'm doing tomorrow, next week, next month! I want to let them in on every boring and mundane and lousy facet of my life.

The flip side, and this may be unreasonable, is that I expect the same from other people. The worst part is that (in general) the people who claim to care the most don't do those things for me. It could be because they just don't think about it - sure. But in my disturbed little brain it's because they don't trust me. Or that they're intentionally trying to hurt me. Or because they want to force a reaction out of me.

It makes me uncomfortable. I know where these reactions stem from... I do. And a large part of me wishes I just didn't give a damn about the people around me. But I do. I care, maybe a little too much. I've always been a victim of my own standards for people. I set the bar incredibly high, but only as high as I'm capable of 'performing' or whatever. Sure. That sounds like I'm tooting my own horn or whatever as some incredible friend or something - but ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I put 100 percent of me and my effort into any type of relationship, I fully expect the same from other people. If I put in 30 percent, then I expect that I'll receive 30 percent from someone else, etc.

My struggle is ... maybe someone is giving 100%. But that's just not good enough for me. Is that grounds to walk away? Or are they not really giving 100%? I can't assume they are, because I know what 100% looks like. Or... at least...my definition.

Or maybe they perceive my 100% to be less than their 100%?

-----

all in all.... this is just one of the many weird things running through my head.

the worst part is, people (if people read this at all) will think "is she talking about me?" then they will take it how they choose. and people almost are always on the defense.

So here: no. this is not about any particular person. This is a general concern. This is me trying to work through who I am in this little text box. If you feel the same way ever, that would be so great to know... because then I'll know I'm not alone! And if I'm crazy, tell me... and help me figure out a way to work through it. Do I think too much? Should I start just going with feelings only? Help me out.

------

Dr. Jekyll and Nikki Hyde.

A hole- drilled through the bottom of the shell which is me.
Draining all of the growth, potential and life.
Waiting for the final blow to crush me into a fine white powder.
I will blow away into the wind.

My words for the rest of you.

I wrote my letter to Jamie.
Now it's time that I try and share the greatness that he was (and will always be) with you.

Jamie D. Patel is one of the greatest men I have ever met. He loved unconditionally, he laughed whole-heartedly and lived every moment to the fullest. He was the big brother and friend I needed, especially in those turbulent adolescent years. He was a pillar to lean on.

I met Jamie on a beautiful summer day at Dewey Park at a church function. He was meandering around with the elders (one who has gone on to become one of my dearest friends) when I suddenly approached them in hopes of guessing their first names. I succeeded quickly with the two abnormally tall elders... but I struggled with Jamie's name :) I finally settled on Andy. He didn't like that. Upon him revealing his name to me... I decided he looked very much like a power ranger ought to - and decided I'd just call him that: "Power Ranger Patel." So I did, and he liked it :) And just like that...we were friends.

Jamie quickly became one of the most meaningful people in my life. He would drive all the way from Atsugi to Sagamihara just to chat when I was feeling down. He'd demand that I take his CD's and burn them so that I could have some good music :) He'd force me to watch Seinfeld at the most ungodly hour of the night so that he'd have someone to talk about it with. He'd watch at his little barack, and I'd watch it in my brothers room - and we'd IM about it :) Haha.

Jamie was an amazing example to me. He couldn't go to institute classes overseas, so he opted to take seminary with us seminary kids. After seminary every day, he'd drive me to school. Sometimes he'd even pick me up BEFORE seminary (which was a big deal cuz that means he was at my house at like... 5 am) when I had no one else to take me. Sometimes we'd just sit in his car and talk about things. He had to write me late-notes to school several times because we'd been chatting in the school parking lot 20 minutes into school :) As I would start to get out of the car he would say "Be good. Get all 100's. Remember who you are! Don't embarrass the family..... now get out of my car!!!!" It became such a common interaction between us that we'd say it in emails, texts, over the phone...facebook.

Jamie wrote me every week from his mission. Before he left, he gave me a plant (named George) and a guitar. I loved both of those things to their end. He inspired me to compose and perform my very first piece of music. In fact.. the song was for him! I've got it stashed somewhere... when I find it... I'll post it.

I remember when he finally got home... he had the worst flight home imaginable. Apparently he kept being hit in the arm by the stewardess's cart!

We did so many fun things together... and he did so many fun things with/for my family. I feel like I could write all the stories right now... and maybe eventually I will post them all.

It's hard for me to explain exactly what this world lost in Jamie's passing. He was a light that couldn't be dimmed. He was able to share that light with a beautiful and amazing woman named Jessie. I'm so happy he was able to spend the last moments of his time on this earth with someone as fantastic as she is.

Jamie D. Patel was my brother. The best brother that a girl could have been given.

My words for Jamie Patel

Dear Jamie,

You have been a light in my life since the day we met. Do you remember that day? I do. I decided you looked like a power ranger - and that's what I've called you ever since. Power Ranger Patel. I remember the ice fight, and the scolding I got from Decker later. You've always had my back, even when I was getting into trouble.

Thank you for driving me to and from seminary. Thanks for driving from Atsugi base to talk to me when I just needed a friend. Thank you for trading music with me!

You, Jamie, were the best brother a girl could have asked for. I'm so glad we got to have the moments we had. Remember when Katlin and I "heart attacked" your tan little junker of a car? :) You had hearts in there for months!

And thank you for that New Year's experience. I'm sorry I fell asleep during firefly. I tried to stay awake! The fry-du was a blast, thank you for sharing your AZ family with me. Thanks for sharing stupid picture messages with me. Wasn't that great? I was so worried you'd be hurt by those big tractors. Remember that one picture you sent me? The one where you're pretending to be smashed by a tractor tire? :) You make me laugh so much. You will always make me laugh.

I'm glad we got to do the hike up the Superstitions together. That's a memory I'll cherish forever. What a great day. What a great everything. I'll never forget how you used to call me to wake me up =] make sure I was getting ready for the day. Always checking in on me, making sure there wasn't anyone who you needed to hurt.

I love all the pranks we pulled on people, especially at your mission reunion! That was the best - pretending you were engaged :) hahahah. We fooled just about everyone then - didn't we? And thanks for introducing Sean into my life. He's been a great friend and a reliable friend. He's been a pillar I can lean on, and we've been doing a lot of leaning lately. Thanks for the conference bingo at my house :) Thank you for sharing your light with me.

I have so many more things I have to tell you though, there are things you will love me and hate me for :) as is usual. But I also have questions - who will I run to when I need a big brother now? Who will I tell "get all 100's - be good - don't embarrass the family.... and get out of my car!!!" That was for us - Jamie. :/

I'm going to miss you so much. I can't wait until the joyous, happy reunion we will have in the next life.

Until then I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying for your wife Jessie. I'll be praying for you family - and I'll always always always carry you in my heart.

I love you Jamie!

- Nikki

--------------

I remember time
I remember days slid into you
Filled in lifetimes thinking you'd be here
But tomorrow and today
Well they misunderstood
And you went along your way
I think you're gone for good

You are the sun gone down
You are the sky
You are the moon rushed round
You are good bye
You are good good bye

"Lost", Nikki, Season 1, Episode 1 :)

Have you ever just been completely lost? Totally confused.... or like the world is drowning you?

I hate that feeling. I've been breathing in heavy blankets of anxiety and exhaling questions back into the universe. They go silently and unnoticed, but they are out there - bouncing around the ozone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in front of the doors in the Labyrinth trying to decide which guard(s) are lying and which are telling the truth. What if I pick the wrong door? I end up walking through the eternal bog of stench.

- what a great example how I feel.

I suppose in the end she makes it back to the right place just in the nick of time.... but I don't want to show up just before my worlds about to shatter. I want to prevent shattering altogether but I can't see the future.

__________________________________________

I am starting to feeling the growing pains of adulthood. It's scary and new and there's no set way to relieve the pain. Everyone has to find their own pain killer :) and I have the sneaking suspicion that I may break a few bones before it kicks in.

Senior year - in college!

So, it's finally come. My senior year at a university. Thank the Lord Jesus :)

---

I'm taking some... interesting... classes this semester. I'm particularly excited about my horticulture class. Next week we get to plant tree seedlings (apple tree)!! I'm also taking a Scandinavian Lit class which I am going to love. We get to write our own fairytale :) And, because I have a strong Danish background, I feel like I'm learning just a little bit more about what my ancestors believed, etc.

I'm also taking a student teaching course (uhg i hate that class) and spanish 1003 (boooo).

---

As for my life/health... things are okay. Matt's doing well. I've been wearing an event (heart) monitor so that hasn't been fun. Tomorrow I get an ultra sound of my heart to see why it's so sad :(

01 11 010

January 2010. Looks like binary code: 01 01 010, 01 10 010, 01 11 010. Dates in January :) Weirdddd.

So I have a new found cousin who briefly knows one of the Ghost Hunters. It makes me smile a little to know I share interests with a family member who I hardly know. It makes me happy to think that our common genes cause us to like the same things.

LOL. That sounds weird. I know. But I like the idea of being connected. Connections are everything in this world. We can't survive if we don't connect with people.

---

So the bouts of nightmares have returned to me once more. Last night's was a particularly long drawn out nightmare. The worst part was when I had to run through an old catacomb full of human remains while being chased by a half decomposing, slimy, one eyed giant. My friend and I (in the dream) decided to hide in a bathroom stall in the girls bathroom. I had the bright idea to stand on the toilet so that if the monster looked under the doors he'd only see on set of feet. Unfortunately that plan didn't work out so well and he ended up towering over the stalls. He tried to creep up on me, but his decomposition slime sludged off of his face/mouth and onto my clothing. We got out of the stall and my friend ran off to finish a very important (world saving) task while I stabbed the monster... 1st I sliced his neck. Then stabbed it. Then I stabbed his heart. Then his chest. Then his stomach. It was gross. His blood spurted everywhere and he refused to die. He could still chase me after I'd stabbed him all those times and he was trying to eat my face! So I stabbed him over and over and over and over and over until he stopped moving.

Then I got chased by a spider like human corpse.

----

And that was only a 10 second portion of my nightmare. There were other not so great events going on in my sleep :/