My words for the rest of you.

I wrote my letter to Jamie.
Now it's time that I try and share the greatness that he was (and will always be) with you.

Jamie D. Patel is one of the greatest men I have ever met. He loved unconditionally, he laughed whole-heartedly and lived every moment to the fullest. He was the big brother and friend I needed, especially in those turbulent adolescent years. He was a pillar to lean on.

I met Jamie on a beautiful summer day at Dewey Park at a church function. He was meandering around with the elders (one who has gone on to become one of my dearest friends) when I suddenly approached them in hopes of guessing their first names. I succeeded quickly with the two abnormally tall elders... but I struggled with Jamie's name :) I finally settled on Andy. He didn't like that. Upon him revealing his name to me... I decided he looked very much like a power ranger ought to - and decided I'd just call him that: "Power Ranger Patel." So I did, and he liked it :) And just like that...we were friends.

Jamie quickly became one of the most meaningful people in my life. He would drive all the way from Atsugi to Sagamihara just to chat when I was feeling down. He'd demand that I take his CD's and burn them so that I could have some good music :) He'd force me to watch Seinfeld at the most ungodly hour of the night so that he'd have someone to talk about it with. He'd watch at his little barack, and I'd watch it in my brothers room - and we'd IM about it :) Haha.

Jamie was an amazing example to me. He couldn't go to institute classes overseas, so he opted to take seminary with us seminary kids. After seminary every day, he'd drive me to school. Sometimes he'd even pick me up BEFORE seminary (which was a big deal cuz that means he was at my house at like... 5 am) when I had no one else to take me. Sometimes we'd just sit in his car and talk about things. He had to write me late-notes to school several times because we'd been chatting in the school parking lot 20 minutes into school :) As I would start to get out of the car he would say "Be good. Get all 100's. Remember who you are! Don't embarrass the family..... now get out of my car!!!!" It became such a common interaction between us that we'd say it in emails, texts, over the phone...facebook.

Jamie wrote me every week from his mission. Before he left, he gave me a plant (named George) and a guitar. I loved both of those things to their end. He inspired me to compose and perform my very first piece of music. In fact.. the song was for him! I've got it stashed somewhere... when I find it... I'll post it.

I remember when he finally got home... he had the worst flight home imaginable. Apparently he kept being hit in the arm by the stewardess's cart!

We did so many fun things together... and he did so many fun things with/for my family. I feel like I could write all the stories right now... and maybe eventually I will post them all.

It's hard for me to explain exactly what this world lost in Jamie's passing. He was a light that couldn't be dimmed. He was able to share that light with a beautiful and amazing woman named Jessie. I'm so happy he was able to spend the last moments of his time on this earth with someone as fantastic as she is.

Jamie D. Patel was my brother. The best brother that a girl could have been given.

My words for Jamie Patel

Dear Jamie,

You have been a light in my life since the day we met. Do you remember that day? I do. I decided you looked like a power ranger - and that's what I've called you ever since. Power Ranger Patel. I remember the ice fight, and the scolding I got from Decker later. You've always had my back, even when I was getting into trouble.

Thank you for driving me to and from seminary. Thanks for driving from Atsugi base to talk to me when I just needed a friend. Thank you for trading music with me!

You, Jamie, were the best brother a girl could have asked for. I'm so glad we got to have the moments we had. Remember when Katlin and I "heart attacked" your tan little junker of a car? :) You had hearts in there for months!

And thank you for that New Year's experience. I'm sorry I fell asleep during firefly. I tried to stay awake! The fry-du was a blast, thank you for sharing your AZ family with me. Thanks for sharing stupid picture messages with me. Wasn't that great? I was so worried you'd be hurt by those big tractors. Remember that one picture you sent me? The one where you're pretending to be smashed by a tractor tire? :) You make me laugh so much. You will always make me laugh.

I'm glad we got to do the hike up the Superstitions together. That's a memory I'll cherish forever. What a great day. What a great everything. I'll never forget how you used to call me to wake me up =] make sure I was getting ready for the day. Always checking in on me, making sure there wasn't anyone who you needed to hurt.

I love all the pranks we pulled on people, especially at your mission reunion! That was the best - pretending you were engaged :) hahahah. We fooled just about everyone then - didn't we? And thanks for introducing Sean into my life. He's been a great friend and a reliable friend. He's been a pillar I can lean on, and we've been doing a lot of leaning lately. Thanks for the conference bingo at my house :) Thank you for sharing your light with me.

I have so many more things I have to tell you though, there are things you will love me and hate me for :) as is usual. But I also have questions - who will I run to when I need a big brother now? Who will I tell "get all 100's - be good - don't embarrass the family.... and get out of my car!!!" That was for us - Jamie. :/

I'm going to miss you so much. I can't wait until the joyous, happy reunion we will have in the next life.

Until then I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying for your wife Jessie. I'll be praying for you family - and I'll always always always carry you in my heart.

I love you Jamie!

- Nikki

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I remember time
I remember days slid into you
Filled in lifetimes thinking you'd be here
But tomorrow and today
Well they misunderstood
And you went along your way
I think you're gone for good

You are the sun gone down
You are the sky
You are the moon rushed round
You are good bye
You are good good bye

"Lost", Nikki, Season 1, Episode 1 :)

Have you ever just been completely lost? Totally confused.... or like the world is drowning you?

I hate that feeling. I've been breathing in heavy blankets of anxiety and exhaling questions back into the universe. They go silently and unnoticed, but they are out there - bouncing around the ozone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in front of the doors in the Labyrinth trying to decide which guard(s) are lying and which are telling the truth. What if I pick the wrong door? I end up walking through the eternal bog of stench.

- what a great example how I feel.

I suppose in the end she makes it back to the right place just in the nick of time.... but I don't want to show up just before my worlds about to shatter. I want to prevent shattering altogether but I can't see the future.

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I am starting to feeling the growing pains of adulthood. It's scary and new and there's no set way to relieve the pain. Everyone has to find their own pain killer :) and I have the sneaking suspicion that I may break a few bones before it kicks in.