The Angry Girl Rant.

I am not a cautionary tale.

I am your neighbor, your cousin, your daughter, friend, niece, sister, aunt... and I am an independent thinker, and I'm living my life as authentically as I can.

Unfortunately, there are those who exist in my life who find my way of thinking and living to be less than what they would imagine is acceptable.

Well, I'm just going to take off my filter and say one thing to you (*you* being a general, multiple bodied *you*):

I don't care what you think. The fact that you are putting my life under your microscope only tells me one thing: you want out of your own, and into mine. Otherwise, you wouldn't be meddling. You wouldn't have things to say.

Your disappointing behavior is bleeding jealousy everywhere.

My honest thoughts are...if you can't support me and/or at least try to understand the decisions I have made, am making, and will make...then you're just looking for one more thing to distract you from your own unfulfilling lot; I refuse to be that person for you.

And now, here's my unsolicited advice from me to you: wake up tomorrow, and do something different. Ask the questions you've been too afraid to ask. Do the thing you've been too afraid to do. Change the life you're tired of living.

But stay the hell away from mine until you've come to an adult understanding of what it means to live and let live.

What Not to Say to Military Brats.

So there are about a million lists on the internet of things not to say to military spouses or families, but there aren't really any lists of things not to say specifically related to military children. People often forget that the children are really in it as much as the rest of them. Military "brats" are uprooted often, and forced to undergo dramatic changes and adapt to new environments quickly. That process is hard enough. Military kids - even as adults - often find it's hard to connect to people who haven't had similar experiences because of the complete lack of understanding surrounding this type of upbringing. It's just as foreign as they are (insert hearty military brat chuckle here).

So next time you're talking to a military brat - young or old....try taking a few pointers from this list:

Things not to say to a very young military brat:
- Don't you miss your mommy/daddy? (Ya think?)
- Did your mommy/daddy bring you back something cool? (Yes. They came home alive. Isn't that cool?)
- S/he'll be back before you know s/he was gone. (Hmmm, I'm pretty sure that's a lie.)

Things not to say to a young military brat:
- Doesn't it make you sad that s/he's missed all your birthdays? (and most Thanksgivings, school performances, first words/steps/dates....of course.)
- Why can't you go visit him? (Because he's in a war-zone.).
- Does s/he call you often? (Actually, no, and sometimes I don't know where s/he is. And sometimes, neither does my other parent).
- My kids know how you feel; I left for a week once and.... (and stop talking now).
- Aren't you worried about making new friends after you move? (Yes. I'm terrified. But I don't really have a choice in the matter and if I'm lucky I'll move to a military base full of people willing to be my friend from day 1).

Things not to say to an pre-teen to teenaged military brat (actually, just...don't say any of these things ever...at any age...):
- Do you think s/he's killed anybody? (Maybe. Do you want to be next to find out?)
- I bet it's really hard having to take on the extra responsibility of a missing parent. (Yes. It is hard to juggle school, jobs, dating, growing up, and supporting my seemingly-single parent. Thanks for pointing that out.)
- Has your younger sister/brother even spent any time with your mom/dad? (Rude.)
- It's kind of like your parents are divorced, except they aren't; your parent's paycheck is kind of like child support, since they're never home. (Really rude.)
- Do you think your younger brother/sister would have less emotional/psychological/behavioral problems at home/school if your parents wasn't gone all the time? (Did you really just go there?)
- So you were born in Germany? (Yes). Are you adopted? (Yes/No). Do you speak the language? (No.) So you're not really German? (No. Unless I was adopted. And then yes, but I still don't speak the language. Your ancestry is Finnish...do you speak Finnish?)
- Aren't you worried your parent is going to get killed? (What if I say no?)
- I bet you get away with a lot of stuff because you only have one parent. (I have two.)
- I bet you get away with a lot of stuff because your parents feel guilty. (Uhm, no. And have you ever met a military parent? I can't get away with anything, because somehow the parent on deployment still knows. My room is probably bugged.)
- Aren't you glad your mom/dad is back from deployment? (Of course I am. Now let me talk you through the complex social and structural changes that occur when a parent who has been deployed 3 - 18 months returns.)

Things not to say to upper teenaged - adult military brats:
- Do you think s/he's had an affair, since s/he is gone so much? (Do I even know you?).
- Hasn't all that time at war made your parent really angry/violent/depressed/withdrawn/aggressive? (Possibly. In what way are you benefited by knowing this information?)
- Wow, I'm sure that really damaged your family dynamic. (We're as functional as the rest of them).
- Wow, I bet your relationship with him/her is really complicated. (Not any more complicated than yours is with your parents).
- Military members shouldn't be allowed to have kids, it just seems too hard. (Thank you?)
- Is your parent disappointed you're not joining/in the service? (Is yours disappointed that you're so dense?)
- It must have been awesome having free dental and health care. (Manic laughter border-lining on tears here).
- Aren't you sad you didn't get to have a normal childhood? (Well, that was my only childhood, so...it was normal to me. And was it hard? Sure. But am I sorry that I got to see more of the world in the first 7 years of my life alone than most people see ever? Not really.)
- I'm sorry. That must have been a terrible way to grow up. (Actually, not really).
- Why do you still have an ID, you weren't in the military...
- Why are you sad you don't have your ID anymore, it's not like you were in the military... (You're right. I made 0 sacrifices and deserve 0 benefits. By the way...are you still on your parent's healthcare plan? Right. Shut up.)

So remember, next time you meet someone and you ask where they're from...and they make a painful expression and say, "Well, I'm a military brat..." that they are expecting all of ^^^ that to follow. End the vicious cycle of idiocy by offering more supportive or affirmative statements (like, "Wow, I bet it was fun to travel a lot!" or "Did you meet many interesting people, living in that many places?")

I'm sure there are more "what not to say"phrases, but these are just the ones I could remember hearing or being asked. If you have others to add, throw them in the comments and I'll add them.

Over and out.

This Blog SHOULD Be About Mother's Day....Instead....

I am sitting on my boyfriend's couch...and I am feeling totally defeated.

I managed to hit my head hard enough on the freezer door to make myself throw up. Not to mention the dizziness when I stand, the strange pressure in my right ear, the shooting pain that visits my head and face in 20 seconds intervals...the eyes that won't completely focus, and the goose egg lump under my hair.

Freezer door: you have defeated me.

It doesn't help that I have a list of ailments pages longer than years I am old.

Un-curable blind spot in my left eye: You have defeated me.
Shoulder pain and muscle resistance that not even a physical therapist can fix: You have defeated me.
Achilles tendon that is too short: You have defeated me.
Endometriosis: You have defeated me.
Celiac Disease: You have defeated me.
Arrhythmia: You have defeated me.
Low Blood Pressure: You have defeated me.
Vitamin D that will not stay in my body: You have defeated me.
Potassium levels that are deathly low, even though I eat more potassium than a monkey in a Banana jungle: You have defeated me.
Soon-to-be-diagnosed-therefore-remaining-nameless ailments: You have defeated me.

Self esteem and self image: You have been defeated. I surrender.

On a positive note, I have a wonderful mother who I love dearly who I know loves me even if I am totally defeated and depleted.

Sometimes, you just need to talk about it.

Life is full of various traumatic events.

Being potty trained.
Learning to walk.
Falling off a bike.
Being bitten by a dog.
Getting stung by a bee.
Getting hit by a car.
Losing a friend.
Losing a best friend.
Losing a family member.
Being robbed.
Being assaulted.
Paying taxes...

etc...

The list is infinite. There are strange, weird, unexpected things that happen to us all the time that traumatize us on one level or another.

I need to talk about one. I've been in denial or shock or something for about a month now - and it needs to come out. I decided this last night, when I realized it was the 6th or 7th time I'd bawled myself to sleep over this event. I'm in need of a comfort of sorts, a hug, a "I'm so sorry you went through this" or a "is there anything you need?"

I suppose it's too late for those kinds of things. I'll just tell you what happened.

I drove from MN to UT on July 18th so that I could get home in time for my parents and brother to go on a trip. I was going to watch the kids and hang out with one of my best friends. I was on a freeway leaving Nebraska/just entering Wyoming. It was dark because it was night... it was really late, but I don't remember the exact time. There hadn't been anyone on the road for miles and miles and it didn't look like anyone was going to be joining me on my late-night expedition through the midwest. No one, save the fireflies. It was my first time ever seeing them with my own eyes, and I was definitely in awe.

I was driving fairly fast... 75 or so, when I saw a large semi up ahead. Because I am deathly afraid of semi trucks, I instantly slowed down. I looked down to change the radio, and when I looked up again the semi had managed to do some sort of acrobatic move and was now colliding with an RV that had been driving in the same lane.

Both went spinning uncontrollably, and then both tumbled off the road. The semi was swallowed by the darkness and the RV rolled and rolled... but not before launching the driver (or maybe the front seat passenger) out of the windshield. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. The RV joined the semi in the abyss of what I can only assume were vast corn fields. The man, launched through the windshield, was now face-grinding the pavement. Meanwhile, I was pulling over as quickly as possible. I threw my car into park and ran full speed toward this now motionless entity laying on the pavement. I stood there, looking down at him, hoping he'd move. I looked around for others - no one. No other drivers. No other passengers. I called the police... although I think one of the vehicles had a first response system because they told me police were already on the way.

I knelt down toward the man, and gave him a shove so that I could see his face. I don't lie when I say there wasn't much left of a face at all, just a bloody mess and lots of crud. I couldn't tell if he was dead or alive, but either way I couldn't leave him. If he was alive, I couldn't let him suffer alone. If he was dying, or dead, I couldn't let him die alone - a bleeding mess on a freeway.

I sat/squatted down on the road next to him, rubbing his arm almost as if to comfort myself more than anything. I held him as best I could (he was heavy, so I mostly just cradled his arm) and waited until finally an officer arrived. He asked me what I knew (for contact info and the likes), and I told him everything I saw. He evaluated the man and looked at me with a very sad face. He told me to get in my car and go, that more help was close behind, that I didn't have to stay there any longer unless I wanted to. I feel like I looked at him for a very long time, although it was probably only a few seconds, and walked over to my car. I sat. I cried. I drove and cried.

---

Sometimes I feel like the world asks you to keep these things kept inside. "Don't burden others with your grief."

Sometimes, you can't grieve unless someone else helps ease the weight of the pain.

Sometimes, you just need to talk about it.

Will I find comfort in these lyrics?

Jack Johnson and Matt Costa
Lullaby

When you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
And if you are waiting, waiting for me
Know I'll be home soon darling I guarantee
I'll be home Sunday just in one week
Dry up your tears if you start to weep
And sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Lullaby, I'm not nearby
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Don't you cry, no don't you cry
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Cause when I arrive dear it won't be that long
No it won't seem like anytime that I've been gone
It ain't the first time it won't be the last
Won't you remember these words to help the time pass?
So when you're so lonely lying in bed
Night's closed it's eyes but you can't rest your head
Everyone's sleeping all through the house
You wish you could dream but forgot to somehow
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby to yourself
Sing this lullaby, sing this lullaby
Sing this lullaby to yourself

Alone, Poe

Alone
Edgar Allen Poe

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were -- I have not seen
As others saw -- I could not bring
My passions from a common spring --
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow -- I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone --
And all I lov'd -- I lov'd alone --
Then -- in my childhood -- in the dawn
Of a most stormy life -- was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still --
From the torrent, or the fountain --
From the red cliff of the mountain --
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold --
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by --
From the thunder, and the storm --
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view --

Shake Shake Shake it

So... My family (a lot of them) are doing a Hansen's Biggest Loser competition.
I have been swimming recently, and I didn't know it would hurt... haha.....either way, it's really cool to have your whole family as a support group when you need them.