The Angry Girl Rant.

I am not a cautionary tale.

I am your neighbor, your cousin, your daughter, friend, niece, sister, aunt... and I am an independent thinker, and I'm living my life as authentically as I can.

Unfortunately, there are those who exist in my life who find my way of thinking and living to be less than what they would imagine is acceptable.

Well, I'm just going to take off my filter and say one thing to you (*you* being a general, multiple bodied *you*):

I don't care what you think. The fact that you are putting my life under your microscope only tells me one thing: you want out of your own, and into mine. Otherwise, you wouldn't be meddling. You wouldn't have things to say.

Your disappointing behavior is bleeding jealousy everywhere.

My honest thoughts are...if you can't support me and/or at least try to understand the decisions I have made, am making, and will make...then you're just looking for one more thing to distract you from your own unfulfilling lot; I refuse to be that person for you.

And now, here's my unsolicited advice from me to you: wake up tomorrow, and do something different. Ask the questions you've been too afraid to ask. Do the thing you've been too afraid to do. Change the life you're tired of living.

But stay the hell away from mine until you've come to an adult understanding of what it means to live and let live.

Sad-urday Morning.

It's really interesting how death can put a relationship into perspective. When Jamie died, it became very obvious to me how much we communicated - facebook, phone. I hadn't ever noticed when it was happening. He became a permanent presence in my life when I was 15. I forgot what life was like without him - so when he drove his motorcycle into Heaven on his way to school, it was a huge shock.

It was then that I noticed - it was then that I remembered - what an important figure he had become in my life. 

But with my grandma - she'd always been there. There hadn't ever been a time where she didn't exist for me. I came into her life, not the other way around. My whole life is almost entirely built upon a foundation that she created for her family.  But when she passed (in August), it didn't hit me like a freight train the way that Jamie's death did. 

Instead, it's been a slow process. Slow. Painful. Jamie's death was overwhelming in a way that fried my brain for a solid year. It was such a shock to the system that it changed the way I function - probably forever.

My grandma's death feels more like I'm being starved. 

Can I call grandma and tell her about the crazy muffins I made this week? No.

I'm so excited to see grandma this October. No, you're not. She's dead.

I'm sick in the middle of the night, I'm going to text her because I know she's awake. Not this time.

I hate myself, I hate my body and I hate everything I do. Grandma knows what to say. Nope.

I ate a giant meal. I should probably let Grandma know about it. She thinks I never eat... Still Nope.

I want to sit in Grandma's closet and listen to all the music boxes play at once. Never, ever, again.

It's amazing how many times in a week I forget that she's gone. I was there. I kissed her goodbye. I cried with my cousins. I comforted and was comforted. 

But there is a part of me that seems to be inconsolable. Something that rejects the attempts at comfort and refuses to accept that she's no longer living. An abusive little part of my heart that wants me to regularly relive the loss of her.

I don't like knowing what a huge part of my life I lost. It's true - you never know what you've got until it's gone. Especially when you've had it around you your whole life. 

Family - Blog 7: My Youngest Brother

I remember the day he was born. It was December 1 - his actual due date. I think he is the only one of us who was actually born 'on time.' I think that speaks volumes to his personality :) He's never enjoyed being late to anything.

Keanu was the cutest little baby. He was totally and perfectly bald. He had a wrinkly face like an old man, and long (but small) little fingers. When he finally did start growing hair, it came out white....and stayed that way for, well....forever. I think he's just now starting to get some pigment in his hair...and he's turning 14 this year.

Time. Flies.

Having a baby brother has been one of the highlights of my life. I didn't even care that I had to help change his little diapers. He has brought light and laughter and joy and all things that are good into my world. And it started at a young age. For a few years, he was my very own little shadow. He even let me paint his toe nails a few times. Even his first full sentence was just for me: "Nikki, you look pretty."

Of course, all little boys grow up to be big boys and he decided hanging out with Kameron would be way more fun. I always had some secret jealousy about that...but I knew it was necessary for him to grow up and be a proper boy ;) Little brothers naturally want to hang out with big brothers...and not big sisters.

Nevertheless, little Keanu definitely played a protective role over me...despite our 10 year age difference. When I had my first "boyfriend" in the 8th grade...Keanu would never leave us in a room alone together...even though Keanu was only about 3 at the time. He would sit between my little boyfriend and I and monitor all conversation.

The best part was...no one ever asked him to do that. He just did it.

Now this little baby brother of mine is a teenage boy. With that comes other fun things: camping, fishing, board games and silly jokes. But in my mind...he is still too young for things of the world: I want him to believe in Santa. I want him to be able to see magic in the world everywhere he goes. I want him to remain ignorant to all that is bad in the world, and live in all that is warm and good - just like him.

I love my stinkin' little brother. And his braces, too.

The Hansen - Johnson Family Update

Well, Okay. We're not an official family.... yet! But, I have high hopes.

Anyway, Here's the news:

Nikki- That's me


I graduated college in December. I'm currently working for my dad's company part time, while also trying to find some part time work to supplement my income. I've been looking (unsuccessfully) for scholarships for my masters program. I've also been baking things, cleaning, reading new books (that aren't assigned readings, woohoo) and trying to make new friends.

Matt - The cute boyfriend


Matt has actually has a lot of exciting things going on. I'm slightly jealous. He recently attended a straight-razor shaving event. He uses a straight razor to shave, and is learning all there is to know (honing, stroping, restoring). He met a cool guy who makes knives and swords. He also got accepted into a fire-fighting (fire chasers... you know, the ones who help to put out the out of control forest/prairie fires in the summer) program. He'll be gone for 5 days to do that. He is very excited about it. He also is doing well at work.

Apollo - my serious cat

Apollo is doing well. He enjoyed a little vacation at Matt's apartment, eating plants...knocking things down, chasing toys. He spends his days laying on my heater or pestering my other cat. He won't eat his food unless I crumble dried seaweed on it, and he likes dog chews so much that he will attack anyone who gets within 1 foot of him while he eats it.

Iggy - my "special" cat

Iggy has been having a rough time. He was recently neutered (because he was spraying). The spraying has since stopped. Unfortunately, his hair eating habit has worsened. He licks and licks and scratches to the point where most of his body now looks like the image below. He has a vet appointment for wednesday, but I'm sure worried. Otherwise, he has a healthy appetite, likes to chase his toys and steal Apollo's food.


Cleo - the newest addition

Cleo is my new 6 week old panda hamster. They were trying to get rid of them quickly, because I got her for $15 (including everything I needed). I guess they don't do that often. It must have been meant to be :) She is super cute - although I don't think she knows how to use her water bottle...and that worries me. The cats are, of course, interested. They only like her when she's in her cage, though. I took her out this morning to show her to Iggy and he cried and ran away. Apollo just ignored her. She likes to run on her wheel, climb her cage, jump from her food platform, dig for food and sleep.



That's what we've got going on! I'll keep you posted on Iggy's condition (hopefully he's okay!) and anything else new or exciting that happens to come up!

Over and out. :)