If I only had a .... hmm.

What's the point in writing in these unless you want everyone to see it - right?
Not really. I mean... on some level I hope that if you come across this that you see something and take it to heart or sketch it into your memory.

On another level, I don't care. I don't write this for "you" (you, the reader). I write this for me. It's just waaaay faster to type than to write with a pen in a journal. Plus, people always try to sneak into your journals to find out your secrets. Why bother keeping secrets. I'll air my dirty/clean/stupid/angry/funny/political/religious/academic/happy/sad laundry right here... no need to sneak around!

Anyway - I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure. Maybe I am. Maybe... maybe I need to make a list and cross things off.

1.) Student teach (x)
2.) SAM (Spanish HW) (x)
3.) Cuaderno (x)
4.) Buy work clothes ___
5.) Go to job training ___
6.) Find a new place to live ___
7.) Find a good home for Bear ___
8.) Write paper for Text Analysis ___
9.) Group project for Am. Lit ___
10.) Read Middlesex and Their Eyes Were Watching God this week ___
11.) Pay Rent ___
12.) Pay Car insurance ___
13.) Pay utilities ___
14.) Clean apartment (again and again and again) ___

So far =/ I am failing. I feel like everything is falling apart. It's like... I have this horrible weight on my chest. I've never had this feeling before. I've been stressed before - just like everyone else - but never to this magnitude. It's like I can't breathe. It feels like as soon as one thing falls off the list, 3 more things appear.

I also feel like I can't say that out loud. For some reason people don't like things just "to be." It's like...being stressed out or worried is a huge offense to people. It's one of those things that eeeeeveryone else is allowed to do - aside from YOU that is.

If you're still reading this... I'm shocked. No one really gives a damn about what I say. Either you feel the same way, or you are just trying to find a reason to hate me. If you're looking for a reason to hate me... go stab yourself in the neck. Thanks.

---- I have way too much on my mind tonight.

I'm thinking about a lot. I'm thinking about the snot nosed brats I student teach. The lack of discipline (and teaching) at the school I am placed at. I only really started today though - so I guess I should give it a little longer.

I dunno.... you wanna know why the US youth are so stupid? Just go sit in a class at some of these alternative schools.

Also.... I really really really really really really really hate arguing with liberals. I feel like I get called a racist every day by some new idiot. I don't hate people because of the color of their skin. I just hate all people - period.

I dunno.... If you are actually reading this, maybe you understand. Maybe your brain is like mine - moving from topic to topic, worry to worry. I worry a lot. A LOT.

I hate on myself a little every day. I have to tell myself about all the things that are wrong with me. It's like I've been conditioned to shun anything positive about myself. I feel like a lot of the people I've met want to blame me for things, or use me. I'm not of any real value. Not usually anyway.
I feel like in order to be worth anything I need to completely forget me, myself, my ideas... and I just need to serve serve serve. To comply. To agree. I cannot have an opinion of my own or I'm wrong. I'm broken. I'm ignorant. I cannot disagree with others because then I'm a troublemaker. I cannot say things funny because people might take offense. I cannot forget to say please, thank you or excuse me or I'm rude. Inconsiderate. A free loader. I cannot speak up when I am offended or concerned because then I am out of line. I cannot express a concern in public because then I am an attention whore. I cannot disagree with authority because then I am ungrateful.

I carry these stupid things around with me constantly - and then I wonder why things are so one sided? How come I CANT but everyone else CAN? Why is it that when I vocalize something I have to be afraid? Is everyone else afraid? Are they just good at hiding it? Or do they just not care? I don't know, but I spend my whole life trying to tip toe around things and be pleasant and when I accidentally fail - I take it really really hard.

I beat myself up pretty bad...but then again, that's my own fault.

However, on some level I know that these things aren't worth worrying about. I know that I'm okay. I'm not rude. I'm not a bitch. I know. I know. I know. I know. People reassure me that I'm (insert fantastic adjective here) all the time. It's just .... well, hearing, knowing, understanding and believing are all relatively different.

You think I'm a freak now.
It's ok. I very well may be.

But...tomorrow, I'm smart. Tomorrow I'm pretty. Tomorrow, I'm enough. Maybe it'll stick for a while. :)