I've been thinking a lot about death, and about kindness. About loss, and about our role in other peoples lives.
A few days ago, I lost a family member. We weren't super close, I didn't know him extremely well. He was my mom's cousin, older than me and in another country.
We spoke a few times a year, shared some laughs, but that was it.
He killed himself.
There is a shame associated with this, and people don't want to talk about it. They want to change the facts. But, as I've mentioned in previous posts:
He killed himself because the weight of who he wasn't was bearing down on him. His failures as perceived by others crept into the back of his mind.
Or maybe they were hammered in, and often, by the people he was most in contact with.
So I'm writing this for you, Phil, because you deserve to be remembered for who you were - not for what you lacked, and because I am not ashamed.
Phil was a father. A Marine. He was a proud American - seriously, he really really loved the US - but loved his Japanese wife even more. So much, that he moved there to be with her, and raise their family. He was a husband.
An adoring, proud father.
He was a hard worker, and sometimes he drank a little too much. But I think he did that because he had a really big heart, and he internalized everything. It softened the blows.
Phil was the kind of guy who'd listen to you, empathize, cheer you up, share a song or two, and then check in on you the next day.
He genuinely cared.
He was an open book. Anything you wanted to know, he'd tell you.
He was a not just a storyteller, but a story itself.
So here comes the call to action, the part where you come in: evaluate yourself for a moment. What role are you playing in the lives of others?
Isn't it easier to be kind than to be judgmental and harsh?
Isn't it easier to recognize the hard work people are doing, instead of pointing out what they have yet to do?
Isn't it easier to forgive, and move forward?
And at the very least, what business is it of yours to interfere in the autonomous decisions of another?
So stop. Think.
Who are you judging?
Who are you criticizing?
Who are you trying to change?
If they haven't asked for this specifically, then just stop.
Be the kind person.
Be the supportive person.
Be the open ear.
Be the keeper of secrets.
See people for who they are, not for what you want them to be.
And be okay with that.
---
Que descanses, Phil.
A few days ago, I lost a family member. We weren't super close, I didn't know him extremely well. He was my mom's cousin, older than me and in another country.
We spoke a few times a year, shared some laughs, but that was it.
He killed himself.
There is a shame associated with this, and people don't want to talk about it. They want to change the facts. But, as I've mentioned in previous posts:
They say “suicide is the coward’s choice.” I disagree. It is the “cornered’s” choice. It is the oppressed’s choice, the abused’s choice, the last choice. I use to believe it was a selfish choice, and now I believe it’s a selfless – albeit warped – choice. No one walks into the gallows unaccompanied.
Someone is always there, with the knife to their back.
He killed himself because the weight of who he wasn't was bearing down on him. His failures as perceived by others crept into the back of his mind.
Or maybe they were hammered in, and often, by the people he was most in contact with.
So I'm writing this for you, Phil, because you deserve to be remembered for who you were - not for what you lacked, and because I am not ashamed.
Phil was a father. A Marine. He was a proud American - seriously, he really really loved the US - but loved his Japanese wife even more. So much, that he moved there to be with her, and raise their family. He was a husband.
An adoring, proud father.
He was a hard worker, and sometimes he drank a little too much. But I think he did that because he had a really big heart, and he internalized everything. It softened the blows.
Phil was the kind of guy who'd listen to you, empathize, cheer you up, share a song or two, and then check in on you the next day.
He genuinely cared.
He was an open book. Anything you wanted to know, he'd tell you.
He was a not just a storyteller, but a story itself.
So here comes the call to action, the part where you come in: evaluate yourself for a moment. What role are you playing in the lives of others?
Isn't it easier to be kind than to be judgmental and harsh?
Isn't it easier to recognize the hard work people are doing, instead of pointing out what they have yet to do?
Isn't it easier to forgive, and move forward?
And at the very least, what business is it of yours to interfere in the autonomous decisions of another?
So stop. Think.
Who are you judging?
Who are you criticizing?
Who are you trying to change?
If they haven't asked for this specifically, then just stop.
Be the kind person.
Be the supportive person.
Be the open ear.
Be the keeper of secrets.
See people for who they are, not for what you want them to be.
And be okay with that.
---
Que descanses, Phil.
