The Dilemma

I can't help but feel it, that guilty feeling. That feeling that I'm forcing people to go out of their way to accomodate an invisible illness. I can't help but wonder, "Do people exhale a sigh of relief if I decide not to join them for dinner?" Do they feel like a burden has been lifted because they don't have to "eat like me"?

I can't help but wonder, "Do people prefer if I don't go on a trip with them?" They can pack tortillas and bread into their backpacks as they head into the mountains, not a care in the world. Crackers, beef jerky, licorice, granola bars. Do they feel guilty for packing those things if I join them?

Why?

I do not care if you pack a sandwich. I do not care if you order pizza for dinner. I do not envy your powerbar. I do not miss the tortillas. My feelings are not hurt if you eat the cinnamon roll.

I don't change my eating habits for you. Why would I expect you to change your eating habits for me?

But...I can't help but wonder:

Would my parents prefer I skip Thanksgiving, so they don't feel obligated to the the wheat-less stuffing?
Do people prefer it when I decline their invitations for dinner, because they can more fully enjoy themselves?
Is it easier if I just don't eat at all?
Do people think I'm defected?
Should I pretend to eat that cookie so people don't know?
Should I just not say anything next time?
Is it okay that I write this blog?
Who am I making uncomfortable with my dilemma?
Do people think I'm just picky?
Is it okay if I don't want to pick the restaurant because I don't want this to rule my life?
Is it okay if I just eat where you want to eat? I usually make do.
Would my friends prefer I don't bring snacks to share with the class?
Is my food really all that bad tasting?
Why are people afraid to eat their food in front of me?
Why do they apologize when they eat in front of me?

I'm not starving. I'm not drooling. I'm not even desiring: that food hurts me. I don't want it. I'm not sorry I can't eat it.
I can't help but wonder:

Whose dilemma is this? It's certainly not mine.

Celiac Awareness Day

Today is National Celiac Awareness Day. I happen to have Celiac Disease.

People often think of Celiac as something minor, just 'a sensitivity'. I've heard time and again that, "it really can't be that bad" or "how can a food allergy be a disease?" and even "celiac and gluten allergies are just a fad diet."

Well, I'm here to set the record straight: Celiac Disease is no fad.

We are lucky that Celiac is as well known as it is. When I was a kid, Celiac wasn't even an option. It was rare. This mentality caused me a vast array of problems all throughout my childhood. I had a stomach ache every single day. My parents lectured me about lying and being sick because, "one day, when you are really sick, no one is going to believe you." (How could they have known that I wasn't pretending?). I threw up two+ times a month and was skinny, pale and lethargic.

Isn't that a perfect picture of what childhood should be? No. Of course not. Doctors thought I was being abused, my parents thought I was being bullied, my school nurses and teachers weren't sure what to think! I didn't even understand. I just resigned myself to living a life of constant illness.

I fought my health all the way through highschool, and into my first year of college. It was one day, after days of throwing up (and ultimately passing out at work) that I ended up in the ER with a doctor waving a diagnosis in front of me.

Celiac. That was the problem. He sat down next to me and told me that my organs were, essentially, trying to give up after 18 years of abuse. That is why I couldn't eat or even keep water down, that is why I passed out at work, that is why my head was full of fog. I was so full of gluten contamination that my body was trying to die.

That's right: my body was shutting down all because of a little protein found in grains.

Now, for the most part, I live a perfectly active, healthy life. My body has, of course, suffered permanent damage from the internal war I waged against it. I can't absorb vitamins in a proper way, I can't eat replacement grains (corn, potato starch, tapioca starch) without getting mildly ill. I can't eat raw vegetables because my stomach and intestines can't deal with the harshness of them. Sometimes I throw up for absolutely no reason at all.

Now, when I get glutened (as I like to call it) it is very much like having a bi-polar version of the stomach flu. The gluten in my body keeps me from absorbing vitamins, so I'm chronically hungry until it's filtered out of my system. But, when I eat, the gluten lingering in my system gets re-digested and makes me throw up, etc. It's not fun.

But the worst thing about it is the internal damage being caused:

The villi in the small intestine become damaged, leading to poor absorption of essential nutrients from your food, but at the same time, the body absorbs partially digested food, polluting the blood stream.

Poor absorption of nutrients leads to deficiencies in key vitamins and minerals. Anaemia is common amongst celiacs who continue to eat gluten-containing foods.

Eventually, extensive long-term damage can effect all the internal organs, and can be fatal.

There is also a higher incidence of bowel cancer among celiacs who have ingested gluten for a long period of time.

----

As I mentioned above, I struggle with digestion on a daily basis. I have permanently damaged parts of my colon and other areas of my digestive tract. There has even been talk about having to remove damaged or diseased parts of my digestive tract if improvements aren't made - all because of the damage that gluten has done to my body.

Celiac awareness is important. If we can diagnose and treat people from an early age, they can avoid the trials that are sure to follow.

I'm happy, I'm getting healthier every day, I'm lucky to be alive - and I'm a Celiac.

ps: I do not in any way, shape or form blame my parents for any of this. They did their best and there was no way they could have known what was wrong.