So there are about a million lists on the internet of things not to say to military spouses or families, but there aren't really any lists of things not to say specifically related to military children. People often forget that the children are really in it as much as the rest of them. Military "brats" are uprooted often, and forced to undergo dramatic changes and adapt to new environments quickly. That process is hard enough. Military kids - even as adults - often find it's hard to connect to people who haven't had similar experiences because of the complete lack of understanding surrounding this type of upbringing. It's just as foreign as they are (insert hearty military brat chuckle here).
So next time you're talking to a military brat - young or old....try taking a few pointers from this list:
Things not to say to a very young military brat:
- Don't you miss your mommy/daddy? (Ya think?)
- Did your mommy/daddy bring you back something cool? (Yes. They came home alive. Isn't that cool?)
- S/he'll be back before you know s/he was gone. (Hmmm, I'm pretty sure that's a lie.)
Things not to say to a young military brat:
- Doesn't it make you sad that s/he's missed all your birthdays? (and most Thanksgivings, school performances, first words/steps/dates....of course.)
- Why can't you go visit him? (Because he's in a war-zone.).
- Does s/he call you often? (Actually, no, and sometimes I don't know where s/he is. And sometimes, neither does my other parent).
- My kids know how you feel; I left for a week once and.... (and stop talking now).
- Aren't you worried about making new friends after you move? (Yes. I'm terrified. But I don't really have a choice in the matter and if I'm lucky I'll move to a military base full of people willing to be my friend from day 1).
Things not to say to an pre-teen to teenaged military brat (actually, just...don't say any of these things ever...at any age...):
- Do you think s/he's killed anybody? (Maybe. Do you want to be next to find out?)
- I bet it's really hard having to take on the extra responsibility of a missing parent. (Yes. It is hard to juggle school, jobs, dating, growing up, and supporting my seemingly-single parent. Thanks for pointing that out.)
- Has your younger sister/brother even spent any time with your mom/dad? (Rude.)
- It's kind of like your parents are divorced, except they aren't; your parent's paycheck is kind of like child support, since they're never home. (Really rude.)
- Do you think your younger brother/sister would have less emotional/psychological/behavioral problems at home/school if your parents wasn't gone all the time? (Did you really just go there?)
- So you were born in Germany? (Yes). Are you adopted? (Yes/No). Do you speak the language? (No.) So you're not really German? (No. Unless I was adopted. And then yes, but I still don't speak the language. Your ancestry is Finnish...do you speak Finnish?)
- Aren't you worried your parent is going to get killed? (What if I say no?)
- I bet you get away with a lot of stuff because you only have one parent. (I have two.)
- I bet you get away with a lot of stuff because your parents feel guilty. (Uhm, no. And have you ever met a military parent? I can't get away with anything, because somehow the parent on deployment still knows. My room is probably bugged.)
- Aren't you glad your mom/dad is back from deployment? (Of course I am. Now let me talk you through the complex social and structural changes that occur when a parent who has been deployed 3 - 18 months returns.)
Things not to say to upper teenaged - adult military brats:
- Do you think s/he's had an affair, since s/he is gone so much? (Do I even know you?).
- Hasn't all that time at war made your parent really angry/violent/depressed/withdrawn/aggressive? (Possibly. In what way are you benefited by knowing this information?)
- Wow, I'm sure that really damaged your family dynamic. (We're as functional as the rest of them).
- Wow, I bet your relationship with him/her is really complicated. (Not any more complicated than yours is with your parents).
- Military members shouldn't be allowed to have kids, it just seems too hard. (Thank you?)
- Is your parent disappointed you're not joining/in the service? (Is yours disappointed that you're so dense?)
- It must have been awesome having free dental and health care. (Manic laughter border-lining on tears here).
- Aren't you sad you didn't get to have a normal childhood? (Well, that was my only childhood, so...it was normal to me. And was it hard? Sure. But am I sorry that I got to see more of the world in the first 7 years of my life alone than most people see ever? Not really.)
- I'm sorry. That must have been a terrible way to grow up. (Actually, not really).
- Why do you still have an ID, you weren't in the military...
- Why are you sad you don't have your ID anymore, it's not like you were in the military... (You're right. I made 0 sacrifices and deserve 0 benefits. By the way...are you still on your parent's healthcare plan? Right. Shut up.)
So remember, next time you meet someone and you ask where they're from...and they make a painful expression and say, "Well, I'm a military brat..." that they are expecting all of ^^^ that to follow. End the vicious cycle of idiocy by offering more supportive or affirmative statements (like, "Wow, I bet it was fun to travel a lot!" or "Did you meet many interesting people, living in that many places?")
I'm sure there are more "what not to say"phrases, but these are just the ones I could remember hearing or being asked. If you have others to add, throw them in the comments and I'll add them.
Over and out.
So next time you're talking to a military brat - young or old....try taking a few pointers from this list:
Things not to say to a very young military brat:
- Don't you miss your mommy/daddy? (Ya think?)
- Did your mommy/daddy bring you back something cool? (Yes. They came home alive. Isn't that cool?)
- S/he'll be back before you know s/he was gone. (Hmmm, I'm pretty sure that's a lie.)
Things not to say to a young military brat:
- Doesn't it make you sad that s/he's missed all your birthdays? (and most Thanksgivings, school performances, first words/steps/dates....of course.)
- Why can't you go visit him? (Because he's in a war-zone.).
- Does s/he call you often? (Actually, no, and sometimes I don't know where s/he is. And sometimes, neither does my other parent).
- My kids know how you feel; I left for a week once and.... (and stop talking now).
- Aren't you worried about making new friends after you move? (Yes. I'm terrified. But I don't really have a choice in the matter and if I'm lucky I'll move to a military base full of people willing to be my friend from day 1).
Things not to say to an pre-teen to teenaged military brat (actually, just...don't say any of these things ever...at any age...):
- Do you think s/he's killed anybody? (Maybe. Do you want to be next to find out?)
- I bet it's really hard having to take on the extra responsibility of a missing parent. (Yes. It is hard to juggle school, jobs, dating, growing up, and supporting my seemingly-single parent. Thanks for pointing that out.)
- Has your younger sister/brother even spent any time with your mom/dad? (Rude.)
- It's kind of like your parents are divorced, except they aren't; your parent's paycheck is kind of like child support, since they're never home. (Really rude.)
- Do you think your younger brother/sister would have less emotional/psychological/behavioral problems at home/school if your parents wasn't gone all the time? (Did you really just go there?)
- So you were born in Germany? (Yes). Are you adopted? (Yes/No). Do you speak the language? (No.) So you're not really German? (No. Unless I was adopted. And then yes, but I still don't speak the language. Your ancestry is Finnish...do you speak Finnish?)
- Aren't you worried your parent is going to get killed? (What if I say no?)
- I bet you get away with a lot of stuff because you only have one parent. (I have two.)
- I bet you get away with a lot of stuff because your parents feel guilty. (Uhm, no. And have you ever met a military parent? I can't get away with anything, because somehow the parent on deployment still knows. My room is probably bugged.)
- Aren't you glad your mom/dad is back from deployment? (Of course I am. Now let me talk you through the complex social and structural changes that occur when a parent who has been deployed 3 - 18 months returns.)
Things not to say to upper teenaged - adult military brats:
- Do you think s/he's had an affair, since s/he is gone so much? (Do I even know you?).
- Hasn't all that time at war made your parent really angry/violent/depressed/withdrawn/aggressive? (Possibly. In what way are you benefited by knowing this information?)
- Wow, I'm sure that really damaged your family dynamic. (We're as functional as the rest of them).
- Wow, I bet your relationship with him/her is really complicated. (Not any more complicated than yours is with your parents).
- Military members shouldn't be allowed to have kids, it just seems too hard. (Thank you?)
- Is your parent disappointed you're not joining/in the service? (Is yours disappointed that you're so dense?)
- It must have been awesome having free dental and health care. (Manic laughter border-lining on tears here).
- Aren't you sad you didn't get to have a normal childhood? (Well, that was my only childhood, so...it was normal to me. And was it hard? Sure. But am I sorry that I got to see more of the world in the first 7 years of my life alone than most people see ever? Not really.)
- I'm sorry. That must have been a terrible way to grow up. (Actually, not really).
- Why do you still have an ID, you weren't in the military...
- Why are you sad you don't have your ID anymore, it's not like you were in the military... (You're right. I made 0 sacrifices and deserve 0 benefits. By the way...are you still on your parent's healthcare plan? Right. Shut up.)
So remember, next time you meet someone and you ask where they're from...and they make a painful expression and say, "Well, I'm a military brat..." that they are expecting all of ^^^ that to follow. End the vicious cycle of idiocy by offering more supportive or affirmative statements (like, "Wow, I bet it was fun to travel a lot!" or "Did you meet many interesting people, living in that many places?")
I'm sure there are more "what not to say"phrases, but these are just the ones I could remember hearing or being asked. If you have others to add, throw them in the comments and I'll add them.
Over and out.
