Who needs school when you can have welfare?

What. The. Hell.

I have been spending hours looking for scholarships that I can apply for so that I can help pay for my masters degree.
So far, you're only qualified for financial aid if you are:

1.) an orphan
2.) left handed
3.) a minority
4.) an abuse victim
5.) a drug addict in recovery
6.) an athlete
7.) a convicted felon
8.) a minority woman

Forget the fact that there are white, right handed men and women who want to go to school and contribute to the world without falling into serious debt or anchoring their families down with bills and then proceeding to feel guilty for the rest of their lives!

No, no sir. It doesn't seem to matter. White people going for their masters degrees get to pay for it out of pocket, or get a loan! No one wants to give any more privilege than is necessary to the white person. Heaven forbid a white person with good grades with a mediocre life get some financial assistance for academic achievement!

And - guess what - you can't make me feel bad for this. White people contribute to diversity, too. Look at the Italian, Polish, German, Irish, Scottish, Danish, Russian, Finnish, French, Australian/Kiwi, English Americans in this country! Does that not SCREAM diversity? What about the diverse backgrounds we come from? Don't those count for anything?

Apparently not. White people are not allowed to ask for anything. Ever.
We're suppose to go into debt, get jobs, and try to pay off our debt while the government continues to rob us blind.

And don't forget to smile, if you complain - you're a racist.

If I only had a .... hmm.

What's the point in writing in these unless you want everyone to see it - right?
Not really. I mean... on some level I hope that if you come across this that you see something and take it to heart or sketch it into your memory.

On another level, I don't care. I don't write this for "you" (you, the reader). I write this for me. It's just waaaay faster to type than to write with a pen in a journal. Plus, people always try to sneak into your journals to find out your secrets. Why bother keeping secrets. I'll air my dirty/clean/stupid/angry/funny/political/religious/academic/happy/sad laundry right here... no need to sneak around!

Anyway - I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure. Maybe I am. Maybe... maybe I need to make a list and cross things off.

1.) Student teach (x)
2.) SAM (Spanish HW) (x)
3.) Cuaderno (x)
4.) Buy work clothes ___
5.) Go to job training ___
6.) Find a new place to live ___
7.) Find a good home for Bear ___
8.) Write paper for Text Analysis ___
9.) Group project for Am. Lit ___
10.) Read Middlesex and Their Eyes Were Watching God this week ___
11.) Pay Rent ___
12.) Pay Car insurance ___
13.) Pay utilities ___
14.) Clean apartment (again and again and again) ___

So far =/ I am failing. I feel like everything is falling apart. It's like... I have this horrible weight on my chest. I've never had this feeling before. I've been stressed before - just like everyone else - but never to this magnitude. It's like I can't breathe. It feels like as soon as one thing falls off the list, 3 more things appear.

I also feel like I can't say that out loud. For some reason people don't like things just "to be." It's like...being stressed out or worried is a huge offense to people. It's one of those things that eeeeeveryone else is allowed to do - aside from YOU that is.

If you're still reading this... I'm shocked. No one really gives a damn about what I say. Either you feel the same way, or you are just trying to find a reason to hate me. If you're looking for a reason to hate me... go stab yourself in the neck. Thanks.

---- I have way too much on my mind tonight.

I'm thinking about a lot. I'm thinking about the snot nosed brats I student teach. The lack of discipline (and teaching) at the school I am placed at. I only really started today though - so I guess I should give it a little longer.

I dunno.... you wanna know why the US youth are so stupid? Just go sit in a class at some of these alternative schools.

Also.... I really really really really really really really hate arguing with liberals. I feel like I get called a racist every day by some new idiot. I don't hate people because of the color of their skin. I just hate all people - period.

I dunno.... If you are actually reading this, maybe you understand. Maybe your brain is like mine - moving from topic to topic, worry to worry. I worry a lot. A LOT.

I hate on myself a little every day. I have to tell myself about all the things that are wrong with me. It's like I've been conditioned to shun anything positive about myself. I feel like a lot of the people I've met want to blame me for things, or use me. I'm not of any real value. Not usually anyway.
I feel like in order to be worth anything I need to completely forget me, myself, my ideas... and I just need to serve serve serve. To comply. To agree. I cannot have an opinion of my own or I'm wrong. I'm broken. I'm ignorant. I cannot disagree with others because then I'm a troublemaker. I cannot say things funny because people might take offense. I cannot forget to say please, thank you or excuse me or I'm rude. Inconsiderate. A free loader. I cannot speak up when I am offended or concerned because then I am out of line. I cannot express a concern in public because then I am an attention whore. I cannot disagree with authority because then I am ungrateful.

I carry these stupid things around with me constantly - and then I wonder why things are so one sided? How come I CANT but everyone else CAN? Why is it that when I vocalize something I have to be afraid? Is everyone else afraid? Are they just good at hiding it? Or do they just not care? I don't know, but I spend my whole life trying to tip toe around things and be pleasant and when I accidentally fail - I take it really really hard.

I beat myself up pretty bad...but then again, that's my own fault.

However, on some level I know that these things aren't worth worrying about. I know that I'm okay. I'm not rude. I'm not a bitch. I know. I know. I know. I know. People reassure me that I'm (insert fantastic adjective here) all the time. It's just .... well, hearing, knowing, understanding and believing are all relatively different.

You think I'm a freak now.
It's ok. I very well may be.

But...tomorrow, I'm smart. Tomorrow I'm pretty. Tomorrow, I'm enough. Maybe it'll stick for a while. :)

Another Paper!

ATTN: I am Nikki Hansen. This is MY blog. This is MY work. I post these AFTER I turn them in! Thanks :)

Nikki Hansen

Dr. Dan
10.12.09
ENGL 3001w.004
Nikki.m.hansen@gmail.com


“The Good Doctor”: The Fight between Carnival and Lent


“The Good Doctor” by Adam Haslett is similar in structure to a Russian nesting doll; there’s always something more. As a Russian nesting doll is taken apart, its pieces become smaller and smaller, yet the artistic details remain bold and significant. As “The Good Doctor” unfolds, multiple stories are uncovered until we are introduced to its final and seemingly least important piece: a painting titled The Fight between Carnival and Lent. This painting depicts a town square filled with “all manner of people” busying themselves with various activities from eating to praying, to vulgarity, resulting in a chaos that cannot be organized or undone. This painting is not only a symbol of the life of Mrs. Buckholdt, who combats poverty, illness, addiction and trauma, it also acts as a symbol of the story itself: bits and pieces of chaos that cannot be controlled.
The use of The Fight between Carnival and Lent in the story can first be compared to the lives of the characters within “The Good Doctor.” Doctor Frank Briggs, for example, is trying to solve and organize his own disorderly life: he has lost funding for his job, he hates his location, he is combating homesickness, and he has a hangover. At one moment in the story Doctor Briggs has an epiphany, he realizes why "he'd become a doctor: to organize his involuntary proximity to human pain." This “human pain” does not only emanate from his patients; to some length he is trying to organize his involuntary proximity to his own pain. Unfortunately, the only way he knows how to “treat” himself is by treating others. If he cannot diagnose, organize and treat Mrs. Buckholdt’s pain, then he will not be able to treat his own. At the end of the story Mrs. Buckholdt refuses Doctor Frank Brigg’s offer to help; she turns him down. At this moment, chaos is eminent yet again: “Frank’s stomach tightened, the panic beginning before his mind could form the though: he didn’t want to lose her, he didn’t want the telling to end.” But, for Frank, the stories have ended and this is not something that he can fix or control.
The story of Mrs. Buckholdt’s life is broken down into a tragic sequence of events that seem to come together in The Fight between Carnival and Lent. As she relays her story to Doctor Frank, she refers to the painting several times, reflecting on the way it makes her feel, and how she has changed her view of the painting so that she can like it. This reflects how she is forced to accept her current way of life. She makes the connection that her existence, like the painting, isn’t overtly lush, but she “see[s] how much there is, how much life” and is driven to continue living. At one point Mrs. Buckholdt says, “Brueghel was a moralizer, his paintings full of parables.” Mrs. Buckholdt’s life is included in this painting; her chaotic, tragic story is a parable just the same. And, while Mrs. Buckholdt appreciates what medication does for her on the days she needs them, she also states that she can “manage without them.” When Doctor Briggs pushes his treatment plan for her again, suggesting extensive therapy, Mrs. Buckholdt replies, “ Dr. Briggs… didn’t you hear what I said?” Her refusal of treatment from Doctor Briggs brings her life and the painting together one more time by suggesting that her life, full of tragedies, wonder, questions and heartache, poverty, addiction and trauma all contributing to an outrageously chaotic life cannot be undone or fixed by pills and talking, just as The Fight between Carnival and Lent, a painting full of the chaos of every day people living their lives, cannot be undone after it has already happened.
“The Good Doctor” is not a story about a good doctor at all. It is a story about how life is not fixed or controllable and how nothing can change the events that construct ones existence. It is a story, in a story, in a story, a parable in a parable that is hidden in a non-impressive, but nonetheless realistic painting. The Fight between Carnival and Lent encompasses all human life, from peasant to priest and from doctors to depressed mothers. While Doctor Briggs’ may not be aware, his life correlates to The Fight between Carnival and Lent in that he cannot undo the events in his life. He cannot bring funding to his program. He cannot leave desolate Nebraska. He cannot take back the phone call to his ex girlfriend. On the other hand, Mrs. Buckholdt is fully aware of her situation and is just trying to do the best she can on a day-to-day basis. Both of these characters are prime examples of how the chaos of everyday life cannot be re-written, no matter what you attempt. Together, these characters and this painting show us that these bits and pieces of chaos are the things are real and that as agonizing as living can be, there is no way to escape the things that have already been done.

A paper I wrote on the Grimms!

Nikki Hansen
Ger 3610

The Brothers Grimm: Preservation Through the Compilation of Fairy Tales

Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm wrote and collected their fairytales prior to the unification of Germany. Although they may not have anticipated this effect ahead of time, their folktales acted as a device that preserved the tradition of the German states in the early to mid 1800’s prior to Germany’s unification. They also preserved the innocence and the simplistic nature of the Romantic writers at that time. Within these simple folktales, the Grimm brothers also exposed a hope for their culture: “they were striving to make their own generation, and future generations conscious of the national soul that, so they believed, had lived on subconsciously in the traditional stories of the folk (David 181).” However, while these tales are widely accepted and of key importance to us today, they were not always seen as such, and were misread as children’s stories, when in fact the Grimm brother’s wanted a wide audience and stories with a childlike nature; not stories written primarily for children.
As was stated in Yale French Studies, by Roberts and Powell, the stories written by the Grimm brothers “preserved the tradition of the German states [prior to their unification].” Unbeknownst to many readers of the Grimm fairytales, the Grimm brothers did not actually fabricate all of these stories themselves. Instead, Jacob and Wilhelm invited storytellers into their home, many of whom were aristocrats or middle-class, who told the tales they had heard from their servants. Alongside fairy tales, the Grimm brothers also collected the legends that they heard. Eventually they arranged these in a book named Deutsche Sagen and arranged them chronologically in order of the historical events and how the stories were related to each other, either culturally or through similarity in plot. These tales and legends came from a variety of the different states of Germany, and by bringing them together, the Grimm brothers preserved this tradition of storytelling, and the culture of what would eventually become a unified Germany.
Along with preserving the actual myths, tradition, the brothers also preserved the innocent, simplistic nature of the Romantic writers from about 1818- 1854. Romantic writers circa 1900 were often focused on the past. They emphasized women and children, purity and child-likeness, and “supernatural” or magical happenings, all of which the Grimm fairytales encompassed. More specifically, the Grimm fairytales embodied the popular German Romantic techniques, which included stories involving travel, nature and myths. The works of these writers often associated innocence and simplicity with childhood and family hearth. There was a childlike air and moral straightforwardness, which the Grimm’s admired in fairytales, and attributed to the earlier Germanic literature. Also, these works collected and written by the Grimm brothers preserved the Romantic use of colorfulness and the admiration of unity, whether familial, cultural, or through friendships and being re-united.
Opposite to what the Grimm brothers had hope, the childlike air and moral straightforwardness possessed in these fairytales caused audiences to push these stories towards the nursery. Wilhelm Grimm wrote about how these stories were not just for children, saying, “These stories are pervaded by the same purity that makes children appear so marvelous and blessed to us” essentially meaning that these stories aren’t necessarily for children, so much as they are like children, have “lived” among children and have been adored and passed along by families for generations. However, as the stories continued to be pushed towards children, Jacob and Wilhelm worked towards more specifically suiting their fairytales for children and families, but continued to strive to share their stories and ideals with like-minded people as themselves.
In more modern times, many of these once adored fairytales have been shunned or forgotten or revised, due to their graphic nature. Stories such as the original “Cinderella” included descriptions of birds pecking out the eyes of the wicked step-mother, and women cutting off their toes in order to fit their foot into the glass slipper. While the moral message shouts “bad things happen to bad people,” modern audiences are less worried about the didactics of fairytales, and more concerned with the poor example a story such as “Cinderella” (as originally written) may set for their children.
On the other hand, these stories are still widely accepted and are of incredible importance to us today. While they may be edited for the modern media, the compilation of these stories are still exceptionally significant to us today because they not only preserved a piece of German culture, but they introduced new elements into literature. The Grimm tales introduced a greater standardization of language, the removal of sexuality, the addition of Christian fundamentals, a tendency to change mothers into stepmothers, and in some tales, extreme violence. Unlike many other fairytales, the Grimms tales feature peasant heroes or heroines, and often show royalty and upper classes as deceitful as opposed to the lower classes, making the Grimm brothers much more class-conscious than other fairytale writers. The Grimms' fairy tales also cover a wider spectrum than other authors, including trickster tales and folk tales that include no magic at all, and also holy legends.
Over all, the Grimm fairytales resulted in more than children’s entertainment. Through a simple act of compiling and writing stories, the Grimm brother’s preserved a German tradition, preserved Romantic writing styles used both nationally and internationally at the time, and provided linguistics with a new law which is now used to better understand past and present language changes.

They see a threat because I am original.

Nikki scratched at her notebook with her pen.
"J. Alfred Prufrock"
She stared at her writing, something was definitely missing.
After a little pondering she scratched again,
"J. Alfred Prufrock...is a waste of time."

The sentence gleamed at her as though she had uncovered some treasure of truth from underneath the dirt-pile of hodgepodge and nonsense that her professor was burying her in.

...."many speculate that he might have been gay" continued the professor. More dirt.

Nikki's mind wandered. Her foot tapped against the leg of her chair.
Her imagination let her lunge from her seat. Now she could jab the professor to a slow and painful death.

"Professor: Death by multiple pen jabs!" is what the headlines of the paper would read.

"I'm sorry I'm such a bad teacher" she'd say.
"You deserve an A!" She'd say!

Nikki blinked.
Reality.
No death-by-pen-jabbed professor.
Just the lonely love song of J. Alfred Prufrock and the reminder to not dare disturb the universe.