The Flea.

Okay. So maybe ''The Flea'' isn't the proper name for this post, since it's actually about parasites.
Yes. You read correctly.

Parasites.

Here's the thing: apparently, it's really common in this part of the world to take a pill that kills the parasites in your body....every 6 months.

I kid you not. There are commercials of Asian families speaking Spanish, singing a jingle about taking their anti-parasitic.

When I first heard this, I thought it was a joke.
"No way." Those are the exact words I spoke.

Jethro proceeded to explain to me that in these parts, parasites live in everything. Your food. Your water. The air in the markets.

Then he told me about one parasite that lays eggs in your body, sometimes in your brain, and if the eggs hatch you die.  Or become a vegetable. Or lose your speech.

....and that is why people take anti-parasite pills.

So it's been about 2 weeks since this terrible news was broken to me, and all I can think about is how never, not a single time in my entire 26 years of existence, have I ever taken a pill to kill parasites in my body.

I'm convinced that my insides are crawling with microscopic, and not so microscopic, blood sucking, intestine biting creatures that are taking my life force and starting families in my guts.

Seriously. Could this be the reason for the dark circles under my eyes? The strange abdominal pains that awake me in the night?

Are parasites nocturnal?

I think I've accidentally waited this long because I'm afraid. I don't think I need to explain why or what it is I'm afraid of.

And here's a question: why don't we do this in the USA? Are we the only country that doesn't do this? Do we think we're just immune to parasites? Doesn't anyone know that a good portion of our produce comes form Mexico?

Or, is everyone in on this? Has everyone always been taking measures against parasites?
Am I the only one who didn't know about this?

A No Good, Very Bad Day. / El Día Horrible y Molesto

I woke up on the right side of the bed.
Me desperté de buen humor.

I had some water, got some work done, put my clothes on and decided to check out a little "natural" foods store by my house in the hopes that I would encounter rice flour and buckwheat groats (to make myself some pancakes, obviously).

Tomé agua, trabajé unas horas, me puse la ropa, y decidí caminar a una tienda cerca de mi casa (trigo verde) de "cosas naturales" con la esperanza de que encontraría harina de arroz y buckwheat (para cocinar pancakes sin gluten).

I wasn't holding my breath about the rice flour and buckwheat, so it wasn't a huge surprised that the store didn't carry it.

Entendí que la probabilidad de encontrar estas cosas no fue probable y por eso no estaba sorprendida que la tiendo no las tenía. 

But, everything else that happened next was kind of annoying.

Pero todo lo que ocurrió después me hizo agravada.

1.) I bought my soy milk, soy sauce, and alegría with 500 pesos. I realize this is a bitch move, but the bank gives you these large, annoying bills...and you have to break them somewhere...

1.) Compré leche de soya, salsa de soya, y alegría con 500 pesos. Lo sé. Entiendo que no hay nadie en todo el país que quiere cambiar 500 pesos. Pero que voy a hacer cuando el banco me los da? Tengo que usar los de alguna manera...

2.) The cashier tried to shortchange me by $200 pesos. Then she acted mad when I requested the rest of my change.  How many extranjeros has she short changed? And seriously, doesn't she understand that "math is a universal language?"

2.) La cajera trató de robar $200 pesos de mi cambio. Y fue ella que se puso enojada cuando le dije que quería mi cambio en completo. Eso me hizo pensar en cuantas personas la mujer ha engañado...y ¿no puede entender que los números son universales? 

That really, really bothered me. But I tried to just shake it off, and headed to el mercado.

Eso realmente me molestó, pero recuperé, y me fui al mercado.

3.) Every vendor in the market was in a bad mood (save the one woman who I buy bananas from. She's always in a good mood). They were all upset about something (maybe it's the influx of 5 million foreigners, half of them being demanding, rude, English speaking snobs). Or maybe the traffic because of the Guelagetza had them all bothered...because there were quite a number of vendors setting up pretty late for a Saturday morning.

3.) Cada vendedor en el mercado era de mal humor (con una excepción: la mujer que me vende los plátanos. Siempre está de buen humor). Todos eran molestos por algo (probablemente los 5 millones de extranjeros en la ciudad, la mayoría sin las capacidades de hablar Español). O...tal vez por el tráfico (debido a La Guelagetza). 

Anyway, that was annoying too...because they're typically all so happy. I didn't like that they had been having bad mornings, too.

Eso me molestó también porque típicamente todos los vendedores están felices! No me gustaba que estuvieran teniendo problemas también. 

4.) On my way home, I was taunted by these two young men. As I am a "tall" white girl living in Oaxaca, I am no stranger to being whistled, "chutched," and called at (or chased down, spoken to, etc.). But because I had already had an annoying morning, these two guys really got under my skin. They followed me down the street, trying to think of things to say about me.

4.) Mientras estaba caminando a mi casa, 2 jóvenes decidieron molestarme con tonterías. Ya que estoy una mujer "alta" y viviendo en Oaxaca, estoy acostumbrada de escuchar chiflas, "ch-ch", y otras cosas (o tener alguien perseguirme, o hablar conmigo, etc.). Pero, como había estado teniendo una mañana molesta, estos jóvenes me hicieron muy enojado. Me estaban persiguiendo y diciendo cosas groseras. 

"Oh, she thinks she's sooooo cool."
"Hey, aren't you going to turn around and flirt with us?"
"Oye, let me just touch one of them (referring to my chest)."

"Oye, ella piensa que ella es súper genial."
"Chica, no vas a coquetear con nosotros?"
"Oye, solo quiero tocar una! (en referencia a mi pecho)." 

So I gave them the finger.
And they laughed.
And that made me mad that they were laughing.

Y los "dí el dedo."
Y se me burlaron.
Y eso me hizo enojada que estaban riéndome. 

5.) When I got home, I realized I forgot to buy tostadas. I had to go back out, despite wanting to crawl into a cave and die.

5.) Cuando llegué a casa, recordé que había olvidado de comprar tostados. Tenía que salir otra ves, a pesar de querer esconderme en una cueva y morirme. 

6.) I got cat called by no less than 10 different men ON ONE BLOCK.

6.) 10+ hombres me dijeron cosas molestas, todos en la misma cuadra. 

7.) A man cut me off in line at the store, and then apologized profusely when he heard me speaking Spanish with the cashier. What the heck?! So, now because I speak Spanish I deserve my place in line?!

7.) Un hombre le tomó mi lugar en la fila en la tienda, pero después de escucharme hablar en Español con el cajero, decidió ofrecer disculpas. ¿Cómo crees? ¿Ahora sabes que puedo hablar español y por eso me vas a ofrecer disculpas?

That bothered me.
And I haven't gone out since (well, I did go running...but my house is attached to the gym). Speaking of which...

Eso me molestó.
Y no he salido de la casa desde la mañana (pues, corrí en el gimnasio, pero es adjuntado a mi casa)...Ah, eso me recuerda... 

8.) The dueño of my depa (apartment) spent 10 minutes lecturing me about how I need to eat more, especially as a vegan, especially because he never sees me eating, especially because I run. He asked me why I don't eat that much, and I said "I haven't been that hungry."

8.) El dueño de mi depa me habló durante 10 minutes, y me estaba diciendo que necesito comer más porque nunca me ve con comida, y especialmente porque me gusta correr. Me preguntó por qué no como mucho, y le dije que no he tenido mucho hambre. 

He looked at me skeptically.
That bothered me.

No me creyó.
Eso me molestó.

9.) When I decided to cook, my chickpeas had gone slightly sour. That wasn't a huge deal, as I had ample other things to prepare myself. But I love chickpeas, and so it made me sad.

9.) Decidí cocinar y descubrí que mis chickpeas se estropearon. Eso no fue algo muy grande ya que tenía muchas otras cosas que cocinar...pero me gustan los chickpeas, y por eso me puso triste. 

So there you have it, the story of my no good, very bad day (so far). Perhaps it will get better, perhaps it will get worse.

Bueno, aquí tienes mi historia del día horrible y molesto. Quizá vaya a mejorar. Quizá vaya a empeorar. 

Either way, it is what it is. Writing about it is cathartic, and reading it to myself makes me chuckle a little. So I suppose everything is fine, if I've ended up here with a smile on my face.

De cualquier manera, es lo que es. Escribir sobre estas cosas es catártico...y leerlo a mí misma me hacer reír un poco. Supongo que cosas no son tan malas si estoy sonriendo. 

The end.

The Angry Girl Rant.

I am not a cautionary tale.

I am your neighbor, your cousin, your daughter, friend, niece, sister, aunt... and I am an independent thinker, and I'm living my life as authentically as I can.

Unfortunately, there are those who exist in my life who find my way of thinking and living to be less than what they would imagine is acceptable.

Well, I'm just going to take off my filter and say one thing to you (*you* being a general, multiple bodied *you*):

I don't care what you think. The fact that you are putting my life under your microscope only tells me one thing: you want out of your own, and into mine. Otherwise, you wouldn't be meddling. You wouldn't have things to say.

Your disappointing behavior is bleeding jealousy everywhere.

My honest thoughts are...if you can't support me and/or at least try to understand the decisions I have made, am making, and will make...then you're just looking for one more thing to distract you from your own unfulfilling lot; I refuse to be that person for you.

And now, here's my unsolicited advice from me to you: wake up tomorrow, and do something different. Ask the questions you've been too afraid to ask. Do the thing you've been too afraid to do. Change the life you're tired of living.

But stay the hell away from mine until you've come to an adult understanding of what it means to live and let live.

It's Just a Fantasy

So, we all have our little celebrity crushes. I mean, come on, we've all been faced with the question of "If such-and-such celebrity knocked on your door, would you run away with them?" And, generally, the answer is no.

And, I think, actually, that we're telling the truth when we say no.

But - here's the part we're not telling...

If this version - this character - of Brendon Urie appeared at my door and asked me to run away with him....? Yes. I'd go.

And it doesn't really matter because that's a fictional part of him so I can say yes without feeling guilty....(it's from this music video).

And if Chris Hemsworth came to my door? I'd slam it. I'd say, "Sure you're really cute but I'm just not interested, thanks." I would, however, be swept away by Thor. And ONLY this version of Thor. No other Thor will suffice.

Try, try again.

Recently, I've been trying much harder to be what I think an adult should be.
Rational.
Calm.
Educated.
Interesting.
Well Informed.
Cultured.
Collected.
Doesn't hold a grudge.
Organized.
As easy as it sounds to just "be" adult... it's not. I find that I have thin skin. Too thin to handle being a real adult. I feel (because I am) easily offended. I hold a mean grudge when I do hold a grudge (which isn't very often, but I do have one or two). I can be biting, mouthy, stubborn. None of these are adult qualities.

I feel hyper-emotional. Adults can't be hyper emotional. That's only for teenage girls.

I guess one thing I am is honest. I am here, after all, airing my flaws on the inter-web.

So what do I do about it? I almost feel like my ideal self would be un-moved. Have something mean to say? Doesn't matter, I can't feel. Going to do something you know is going to hurt my feelings? Whatever. See if I care.

Unfortunately - that's not me. I over analyze. I cry. I demand things. I even sometimes want to have control over a situation (also, not so often). I'm picky. I have a lot of questions. I'm not very patient. I hate being ignored. I sometimes even set myself up to be let down!

Doesn't sound like an adult, does it?
All I am is a mess! A young mess.

The In-Between.

I've been in a strange place recently.... and I can't say I've been enjoying it.

I feel like the term "growing pains" has taken on a whole new meaning.

For the first time, primarily because of Jamie's passing, I've taken a step back and started seriously evaluating the things that I want for my life and for my future. To be honest, I hate doing things like this... and while it was going to have to happen sooner or later, I wish it had been later. Not only because of the circumstances that have caused me to re-evaluate myself and my decisions, but... I don't exactly feel like I'm ready for all the changes that are about to/ are occurring in my life.

A lot of what has been going on has caused me to micro analyze my interactions with other people. How does this make me feel? Why does it make me feel this way? Is this healthy: yes or no? What would I have done two months ago in this situation, and what am I going to to do now?

Believe it or not I spend a lot of my time mulling over how my words and actions will affect others and the way they feel. I want the people I care about to know that I care about them - and I always want to let them know. I never want to hurt them, I want them to know everything I'm doing - I want to tell them about my day to day events. I want to let them know what I'm doing tomorrow, next week, next month! I want to let them in on every boring and mundane and lousy facet of my life.

The flip side, and this may be unreasonable, is that I expect the same from other people. The worst part is that (in general) the people who claim to care the most don't do those things for me. It could be because they just don't think about it - sure. But in my disturbed little brain it's because they don't trust me. Or that they're intentionally trying to hurt me. Or because they want to force a reaction out of me.

It makes me uncomfortable. I know where these reactions stem from... I do. And a large part of me wishes I just didn't give a damn about the people around me. But I do. I care, maybe a little too much. I've always been a victim of my own standards for people. I set the bar incredibly high, but only as high as I'm capable of 'performing' or whatever. Sure. That sounds like I'm tooting my own horn or whatever as some incredible friend or something - but ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I put 100 percent of me and my effort into any type of relationship, I fully expect the same from other people. If I put in 30 percent, then I expect that I'll receive 30 percent from someone else, etc.

My struggle is ... maybe someone is giving 100%. But that's just not good enough for me. Is that grounds to walk away? Or are they not really giving 100%? I can't assume they are, because I know what 100% looks like. Or... at least...my definition.

Or maybe they perceive my 100% to be less than their 100%?

-----

all in all.... this is just one of the many weird things running through my head.

the worst part is, people (if people read this at all) will think "is she talking about me?" then they will take it how they choose. and people almost are always on the defense.

So here: no. this is not about any particular person. This is a general concern. This is me trying to work through who I am in this little text box. If you feel the same way ever, that would be so great to know... because then I'll know I'm not alone! And if I'm crazy, tell me... and help me figure out a way to work through it. Do I think too much? Should I start just going with feelings only? Help me out.

------