Try, try again.

Recently, I've been trying much harder to be what I think an adult should be.
Rational.
Calm.
Educated.
Interesting.
Well Informed.
Cultured.
Collected.
Doesn't hold a grudge.
Organized.
As easy as it sounds to just "be" adult... it's not. I find that I have thin skin. Too thin to handle being a real adult. I feel (because I am) easily offended. I hold a mean grudge when I do hold a grudge (which isn't very often, but I do have one or two). I can be biting, mouthy, stubborn. None of these are adult qualities.

I feel hyper-emotional. Adults can't be hyper emotional. That's only for teenage girls.

I guess one thing I am is honest. I am here, after all, airing my flaws on the inter-web.

So what do I do about it? I almost feel like my ideal self would be un-moved. Have something mean to say? Doesn't matter, I can't feel. Going to do something you know is going to hurt my feelings? Whatever. See if I care.

Unfortunately - that's not me. I over analyze. I cry. I demand things. I even sometimes want to have control over a situation (also, not so often). I'm picky. I have a lot of questions. I'm not very patient. I hate being ignored. I sometimes even set myself up to be let down!

Doesn't sound like an adult, does it?
All I am is a mess! A young mess.

"Lost", Nikki, Season 1, Episode 1 :)

Have you ever just been completely lost? Totally confused.... or like the world is drowning you?

I hate that feeling. I've been breathing in heavy blankets of anxiety and exhaling questions back into the universe. They go silently and unnoticed, but they are out there - bouncing around the ozone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in front of the doors in the Labyrinth trying to decide which guard(s) are lying and which are telling the truth. What if I pick the wrong door? I end up walking through the eternal bog of stench.

- what a great example how I feel.

I suppose in the end she makes it back to the right place just in the nick of time.... but I don't want to show up just before my worlds about to shatter. I want to prevent shattering altogether but I can't see the future.

__________________________________________

I am starting to feeling the growing pains of adulthood. It's scary and new and there's no set way to relieve the pain. Everyone has to find their own pain killer :) and I have the sneaking suspicion that I may break a few bones before it kicks in.

F is for Friends

Some things just aren't worth thinking about and it's taken me a while to figure that out.

I spend ... waste ... hours of my life worrying about things that no one else even blinks an eye at. And as selfish as it may seem to just cut certain things out of my life, I feel like it needs to be done.

I'm not certain if I'm just putting up a wall... or legitimately refusing to care about certain issues... but there are a few things that I'm brushing off of my shoulder and not looking back toward.

The thing that sucks the most (for you anyway) is that I'm not telling you what these things are - so you just get to use your pretty little imaginations.